lovelovelove

sometime last week i had a dream james roday from psych and i were in love..i woke up so happy.

i miss that feeling. being in love is indescribable.

pour dejuner je mange de sandwich du jambon et frommage.

that's supposed to say "for lunch i ate a ham and cheese sandwich".

french is going slightly better. pretty sure my professor still thinks i'm unqualified for the class, but i could give two fucks. at least he's nice about thinking i'm an idiot when i meet with him during his office hours. read "le petit prince" out loud for a little while tonight like he recommended. i figure i should be somewhat ok if i keep going for help.

got my first 3D art project today..so excited! already have an idea in mind, just hope my teacher doesn't shoot it down when i show her my sketches next week.

in other news, my room is a mess as usual..3rd day of school..idk if it's a record or not. i bet if i lived in a cool apartment with hardwood floors it would look cool to have my textbooks scattered on the floor among articles of clothing. but on the carpeted floor of a small dorm like room it just looks messy.

i wish i had someone to read to. how cute would it be to lay in bed resting on someone's nook while reading le petit prince out loud to them? that might just be the hopeless romantic in me.

i have to admit my flying piggy bank looks pretty good on my shelf (go me and my decorating taste!)

yesterday p told me he missed me. i didn't say it back. for the sake of my heart that's being barely held together by a busy mind, brave face, and bitterness; i didn't say it back. not to say that i DO miss him...i don't. i just know our clusterfuck pattern and me saying i miss you too would just start the emotional shitshow all over again. when i said i'm done this time i meant it. for real for real. i'll admit that at the current moment i'm feeling super lonely and really craving companionship, but whatever "companionship" p could give me isn't worth fucking up my emotional sanity....again...for the ZILLIONTH time. so yea. there's that.

sidenote: JUST figured out why i've been having trouble falling asleep even though i'm exhausted. cream freaking soda! yes i've had one every night about this time since sunday (don't judge me) yep i'm a smart one.

i want to end on a good note... saturday, december 18th, 2010 12pm. GRADUATION!!

off to bed...and by bed i mean finish my snack, cream soda and family guy.

title

so these 2 videos are among the very very small record of my trip to see p in stl. (well besides my pictures & video of the fireworks we watched on 4th of july, btw who knew watching fireworks could be romantic? well they are unfortunately...stupid fireworks) i'll admit that i shed my normal "saying goodbye" tears on the train, i also cried because i regretted not taking any pictures..and because i was so cold towards him the day i left as a result of getting my feelings hurt the night before. once the train pulled out of the station (which almost left WITH him because he sat with me on the train for a few minutes to say goodbye) the tears started flowing. i was angry with myself for being so bitter and wished i had taken pictures. it wasn't until about 45 mins later, after i got a hold of myself, that i realized that i had every right to be angry with him and even though i had been super distant, it was one of the few times in the years i've known him that i expressed how i truly felt. even though a little drama occurred, overall i had such a fun time and i don't regret going regardless of what happened.

so to make a long story short, here are two videos of p that basically sum him up. i love it, they make me laugh every time...and i'm putting them on here even though i know he'd kill me....

kill or be killed

there's some stupid saying that goes "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". bullshit. i think.



i go back and forth on how i feel about that quote...there are days i agree with it (usually after some repeat epiphany or life lesson learned) and other times i think it's complete crap, just like "everything happens for a reason" and blah blah. thinking back on my recent and past heartache, i should have a fucking heart of steel.



but alas i don't. which is fine...although that would be pretty cool..an anatomically correct shaped heart made of steel, but i digress. i've been trying to look at this whole spilling my guts blowing up in my face situation from the glass half full view..and i have seen some positive light (thanks in part to bree calming me down) what i really need is space. i love having space away...it's so relieving and helps me take control and regroup my emotions.



life lesson learned: don't hold on to someone who is so willing to let you go. tough but true.

and i'll never forget what my 5th grade teacher mr. johnson told us which has seriously stuck with which is that the truth hurts. lord knows thats the truth! and i have definitely been learning that lately.



in other news:

chicago in a couple weeks. super super excited!



guess that's all...past my new bedtime.

my official statement on love:

it is one giant clusterfuck. that's all it is. love never follows any rules. it is complicated and chaotic. and drive you crazy at times. sometimes it can cause you to question your rationality and sensibility. love also is really big on sneak attacks...pouncing on you when you least expect it. therefore you can never PLAN on love or schedule it...it always has its own agenda. love makes people do silly things.


and despite all this i'm ok with it.

it makes life more interesting...

a penny for your thoughts love?

i swear i'm going to stop using my exacto knife to cut my hair when i can't find my scissors

last night i had my usual "not going out on a friday night" criminal minds marathon...usually a&e shows about 4-5 episodes, every episode last night shemar moore was kicking down doors...i never thought i'd ever be turned on by that...guess it helps when the guy doing the door kicking is super fine.

did a lot of thinking today and thought about kissing new boy and why it felt so different. i finally realized it's because i'm used to black guys who have much fuller lips. now don't get me wrong i enjoyed kissing new boy, but there's something about kissing a pair of nice full lips that i can't give up..hmm..

p has a new blog/website...i'd never tell him i read it...i'll admit that i miss his writings. when we were together he always used to send me his stuff to read. i've always loved his writing...he's so unbelievably good...i'm so glad he went to grad school for what he loves and not to please his dad.

(via lelove)

guess you could say i'm still sweet on him...of course i would never tell him that...i know he doesn't feel the same (know= i'm 99.999% sure he doesn't, but the hopeless romantic in me would like to believe he does...sad i know) i miss his hugs...he gave the best hugs...and his kisses

telling him all of this and more is constantly on the tip of my tongue....MUST KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!! i really don't my feelings hurt. although the last time i went through this he spilled his guts first...i don't think it's going to happen again though..this whole distance thing is not cool.

ending on a happy note: one more day closer to summer!

take me on a trip i'd like to go someday

so here i am packing my shit up, getting things ready for my mom, gma and brother when they come down tomorrow (today?) and get some of my crap. but antyways, so i'm going through my all purpose purple plastic tub (all purpose meaning it holds random crap) and i found this:

the infamous, flashback inducing memory box

it's not that i'm surprised it was in there..it's been there since i moved into my dorm last august..i really shouldn't have packed it but that's another story for another day. i guess it took me by surprise because i realized i haven't looked in it quite..quite some time. it amazes me that besides facebook pictures, saved emails, one simple "wooden" $13 hobby lobby box can hold memories of a person i once held so dear to my heart. i guess i still do but at the time i got the box it meant so much more. idk..i can't bear to part with it yet...ex lovah still means a lot to me.

but i digress.

my non doodling kick has been spurred by my whole "i'm going to be an adult" campaign...which hasn't been exactly going well either. adults don't clean their face with astringent to avoid actually washing it and they don't stick their head under the sink faucet to "rinse" their hair to avoid taking a shower. now i know i sound super dirty but i do shower everyday...except for today when i layed in bed all today and only left to get food but needed to wet my hair because it looked crazy. but the astringent thing may happen pretty often...my face still gets clean!..just probably not as clean as it would if i actually washed with face soap and a washcloth....i do that a few times a week...the rest of the time i do wash my face..scouts' honor. also adults don't use windex as an all purpose cleaner...it totally acts as one but i think real adults use different products...i don't think the eating in bed thing is going to change anytime soon..oh wells.

can't wait to go home...going to eat fettuccine noodles and fresh parmesean every day. and i can't wait to see bree..and spend time with my brandon boo...and my gingybread. excitement!

guess that's all

foreveryoungforever

i love love love these two together!!! it's so cute the looks they give each other during the performance...and i love that beyonce knows the words. definitely one of my favorite couples

love lockdown? more like heart lockdown...

...if that makes sense.

i have a whole list of "standards" for my potential mate. i have a tendency to forget that the most important standard i should have is that he treat me with respect and like a queen. i deserve to be treated like a queen.

i'll admit that i'm not the most religious person in the world, but I love this:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

my favorite is "love is kind" that sticks out to me, because it's what i believe in the most

i can't wait for love to find me again..

la la la love

i may have mentioned this before, but i secretly

get excited about the thought of finding love again...

nye blah blah

well i guess a belated happy new year's is in order...happy new year's. this nye was soooo much fun! went out with one of the besties brianna and her other bf kalisha....definitely a night to remember thanks to a wasted bree lol. we got all gussied up and went to this crazy rachet filled club, but a good time was still had..bree and i always have fun together, we've been friends for about 7 years now (which always freaks me out for some reason whenever i think about it)

i'm doing much much MUCH better than i was when i posted last...i usually have my ups & downs, but i'm doing genuinely well. which is good...i hate moping and being in my feelings...no fun.

so i got alicia keys' new album the element of freedom with some of my itunes moolah....yea haven't been able to turn it off...i listen to while in the car, doing dishes, sitting in my room, taking a bath...i'm listening to it as i write this actually...it's SOOO good! in actuality i really shouldn't be listening to it (at least not as much as i am) because 99.9% of the songs are about love. which is really bad for my health because my mind starts to wander..her first song is called "love is blind"....yea i feel like she wrote that song for me but about a year too late lol. she has another song called distance & time...once again a little late alicia lol, but overall it's definitely her best cd in my opinion...

i currently have $13.29 left of my itunes $ and i'm trying to hold out for corinne bailey rae's new album which comes out later this month. i actually don't think it'll be too hard since there's really no album out there that i absolutely must have. got regina spektor's new album (finally) got my postal service back since i lost it when my other computer died on me, got alicia keys, almost got a fine frenzy's latest stuff, but it didn't blow me away like her other music. so that left me with waiting until CBR drops her music...super excited for that.

so one of the things i like most about being home during break besides sleeping in til noon, being pampered by mumsie, my only responsibility being washing the dishes, hanging out with , getting great internet reception and being able to do absolutely nothing is watching tv shows i can't watch while at school since my remote is dead. bridezillas and platinum weddings are among these. i love watching these shows, because i always ALWAYS ending up thinking in my head "well at my wedding i'm doing/having this and my favors are going to be these and so on and blah blah" then i end up wanting to sit down and plan the whole shebang out..which, as much as i really really want to do, i never do because self conciously feel like a crazy lady since i'm no where near that stage in my life...but it's fun to think about.

i guess it's picture time since i don't have anything else to say...oh these pictures were stolen from bree's facebook page btw..i left my camera cord at school...yea i'm smart i know.

bree and i...yea i didn't realize my boobs

were spilling over my dress that much until

after i got to the club...womp womp

having my usual sippy sip that gets

me up and dancing (libations are the

only way when at the club lol)

besties again! i got purple eyeshadow for the

night...i may or may not be obsessed

with it now...

kalisha boo! she had some BAD shoes

that night..4-5inch heels with feathers

and stone beads...they were hot

500 days of summer

i love this movie...it's really really good...definitely could've used it over a year ago when my last relationship was ending...it's a lot easier to have that "not everything is meant to be" mentality almost 2 years after the fact..but i digress..i love zooey deschenal (sp?) she can do no wrong in my eyes..except for her blonde hair in elf...i like her even more now that she's married to ben gibbard..i think they make an awesome couple. and i love her band she & him..i'll admit her singing voice is kind of weird, but i still like it. and love love joseph gordon-levitt..he was really good in it too..

anyways so i've been ok lately..had to snap myself back to reality a few times, but i'm good. now normally i'm not a super religious person but a friend of mine's caretaker was telling us about praying for the right man..not necessarily the one we WANT but the one we NEED ...don't pray for physical, but for emotional etc. so i prayed for someone who will treat me right. like the way i deserve to be treated..i have faith he's out there somewhere. ..can't give up on love...i guess lately this whole soulmate/fate business has really been on my mind, especially after my cousin's bridal shower earlier this week...all i know is that i want a cute "how we met and how we got engaged" story...i'm such a sap

well guess that's all...back to the movie

maps

oh me oh my....these past few days..week or two..or more have been kinda sorta rough dealing with my feelins about some people..i'm scared he's going to find someone better, prettier, smarter, richer than me before we get another chance...or at least see each other again and that scares me to death.

i want to tell him how i feel, but i'm scared he's going to either think i'm silly or get upset that i think his feelings for me aren't as strong as they really are...for instance tonight he got a little hurt, because i asked him if i could still see him over spring break even though we agreed to these plans weeks ago...i was just asking to make sure he didn't forget since we usually talk about winter break..i guess he did remember, which made me happy, but i felt bad that he was sad. but then i made him laugh so it was ok.

he still means so much to me...

jeez louise i can't go one post without spilling my guts ... those 3 words can be FATAL...but they are nice to hear.

good grief i love this song
the chorus sums up how i feel perfectly

i was just thinking about you

i hope ex lovah and i get a second chance...he still makes me happy...

it's our anniversary

(did i spell that right?)
anyways, today marks the one year anniversary of the election of the first black us president barack obama...to this day i am still amazed he is our president (in a good way) normally this happens when i see him on tv or pictures of the him and his family together. it really warms my heart to know that my first time voting was voting for the first black president. my mom used to always tell me that you never forget voting in your first presidential election (hers was jimmy carter) now i really won't forget..it'll be a story to tell my grand-nephews/nieces (see what i did there, didn't say grandkids b.c i'm not having kids! lol. sorry thought that was really clever of me)

i'm currently laying in bed..it's alomst 2 in the afternoon. couldn't get to sleep last night was up until at least 3:30am. woke up before my alarm went off this morning and could not bring myself to get out of bed..i've been telling people i overslept. after i decided not to go to my first class i went back to sleep ignoring the fact that i had a 2nd class. i'm such a bad student...but at the moment i don't care. i had a rough night emotionally...cried about ex-lovah even though i kept trying to distract myself so i wouldn't think about bad things. didn't really help. as a result i don't feel like doing anything for the time being....had my breakfast/lunch which consisted of me eating my brownie mound with a fork in bed...i still need to shower and brush my teeth and all that jazz. don't really want to. most likely i'll end up staying in bed reading my favorite blog this is probably going to sound weird but *sidenote time: anytime someone starts a sentence with a phrase like that, or "i'm not racist, but" or "i'm not trying to sound mean, but" 100 times out of 100 they are going to say something along the lines of whatever the sentence started with...that being said my upcoming statement will most likely sound weird* when i'm feeling down and out and super sad i always read the aforementioned blog...i start from the very beginning. idk what it is, but it makes me feel so much better about finding love. the last time i read it all the way through i favorited my favorite posts (super weird i know) here they are:

http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-they-are-called-butterflies.html

http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com/2009/03/what-well-miss-about-nyc-part-5.html

ok i may have lied, i forgot to favorite the posts until i was almost at the end, nevertheless these 2 are really good. i think this blog is good for anyone questioning love...i know i definitely have...it helps me to realize i can't give up on my search and keep hope alive

that's all i guess....

she dead! she real dead!

so of course i'm supposed to be typing a paper right now...mm not so much. how can i when "smokin' aces" is on?! this is a damn good movie. everyone did SUCH a good job, especially ryan renolds and jeremy piven. not a fan of jeremy piven, but his acting is pretty good in this movie. big fan of ryan. and of course i have to give props to alicia keys and common. loves them! i will admit that the only thing i don't like about the movie is andy garcia's "southern" accent. it kinda sorta hurts my ears. my favorite part of the movie is the end when it all comes together and ryan shows off his badassness...i wont give it away, but it is fa sho a must see. i remember the first time i watched it was with ex lovah. oh memories.

got me some peach rangs (rings) today..whoo whoo!! however definitely not as good as i thought they were going to be..
i can't believe how fast my hair grows..if it keeps the round shape it has now, i might keep growing it out...we shall see.
I must say i hate phonetag!! it's so mean! ex-lovah and i have been playing phonetag like it's nobody's business..breaks my heart. but the good thing (i guess you can call it a good thing) is that exlovah is playing too, it's not just me trying to get a hold of him, he's calling and messaging me too. and it turns out he doesn't like playing either. hopefully it doesn't last long. i'm glad he still misses me...means i haven't been replaced yet. good to know.

ugh this f-ing paper. it only has to be 3 pages double spaced, not that hard..just don't feel like doing it. school is dumb.

ok not really.

oh hell. real chance of love 2 just came on..now i'm really not going to be able to get anything done...so sad. i really shouldn't watch this show...i mostly watch it because of chance and real..they need a show of just them. they're crazy.

i think something is wrong is with my temporary crown..my tooth has been killing me...which in turn has been f-ing up my sinuses. unfortunately my dental insurance has run out for this year and i don't even have enough to get my teeth clean...so sad. now ppl can't tell me we need healthcare reform. i guess i should be lucky i even have insurance...but what's the point of having it if i can't even take advantage of it? whatever i guess.

OMG ONE OF THESE CHICKS ON THIS SHOW IS 21 F-ING YRS OLD!!! I couldn't IMAGINE myself being on this show...or any show like this for that matter! I still feel young!!! and this is the same chick that said (and i quote) "I'm a pretty girl, i have big boobs...i have a lot to offer" yea ok sweetie. but yea 21 yrs old? no siree bob. pass!

i want to be in love again!! (that's not weird is it?)

ok there's a commercial on tv talking to parents about their kids's asthma but the commercial has a fish flopping around gulping for air while a little girl talks in the background....everytime i watch it all i think is "poor fishy!!" i always feel so bad for it!

ok, i'm forreal about to start this paper....not really, just thought if i said that i'd do it.



.....

ok now!

............

ok i'm going to say im really really going to start my paper, when in reality i just don't have anyting else to say.

laters!!

la la la

so right now I'm supposed to be writing a 4-5 page paper for one of my history classes that's due tomorrow....clearly i'm not. I got distracted by watching this week's episode of Greek..then the internet decided to fight my computer so I couldn't finish it..then I got the best message ever: "I just heard ben folds five song "the luckiest" and thought of you. Miss you sp..." I know it's a sad message, but it made me smile so hard, because he and I haven't really been able to communicate on a regular basis these past few weeks, and it was totally unexpected...and i like that he misses me...mainly because I miss him too...i'm sure that sounds pretty twisted, but it's nice to know someone is thinking of you and tell you especially when you think of them all the time. so yea that really made me happy. then i had to go listen to that song of course...then i had to listen to our song "chasing cars" by snow patrol...i really love that song...

one of my friends is starting a zine and i wrote a poem about us..i'm considering submitting it, but at the same time it started out as a venting/get my feelings out kind of thing...i'm always scared to share my feelings with others, especially when it comes to him. I've started so many blog posts talking about him then either deleting them or never posting them...i'm debating whether to even post this one...idk..i'm just very fragile when it comes to my feelings..especially feelings of the heart...when i think of my heart i picture it as anatomically correct made out of glass..

SIGH

good grief this f-ing paper....ugh. i've been here for 2 hours and what have i accomplished?? yea nothing. i guess i should start now...

A long long time ago...

'Ello! ...it always feels weird saying "hello" to a non-someone...anyways where should I start? how about the most heart-wrenching? ok!

For the past week my very bestest bestie in the whole wide world is visiting her le-boyfriend in Cali. i was really worried they weren't going to see each other til august....we can't be having that...but it all worked out!!! they are sooooooo cute together!! yay for love!!

right now I'm watching ghostbusters 2..loves it! not as much as ghostbusters 1, but it'll do. can I just say that the whole concept of grad school is dumb and overrated?! it is! and I really really don't want to go...I hate to say it but the main reason I'm going is so I could live in another city...and to eventually make good $$. the only problem I'm running into is my rediculously horrible of a gpa...i decided to stay an extra year to keep working on it..it sucks. being an average student in high school was ok...but that definitely doesn't cut it once you get to college. UGH! and this whole OPERATION FIND SYDNEY A COMPANION is NOT working out whatsoever...although I guess it doesn't help that no is here in columbia for the summer and I really don't put myself out there for the guys I really want to date..blurg. It's just that whenever I've been in any kind of relationship with a guy he's always approached me...I've never had to really do the chasing. I guess I should be grateful for that, but it doesn't help my situation...ugh again.

I have no idea what i want to do with my life...I know I want to be a curator...I want to end up in either d.c. chicago or nyc....idk

tomorrow I have to go see a cardiologist because apparently i have a rapid heartbeat. I'm hoping i don't have heart disease...then i'll have to hear all the crap about excercising and eating right again....not really up for hearing that again.

1 1/2 months until my 21st birthday? I'm suuuuper excited to get piss ass wasted drunk legally! can't wait! not sure if i want a party or just go bar hopping...not really big on the bar scene here, but I guess I have some time to think it about. i know it sounds really sad, but I really want a bf by the time my bday rolls around...or at least a guy who I'm dating exclusively....not really sure WHY but it would be nice to have one.....is it weird to fb friend someone who i've never spoken to, but who's seen me on an almost daily basis? i'll admit that I request ppl who've i've never said two words to sometimes, but this guy i definitely have a crush on this guy...he's the epitome of my type.

i have to admit the plain white t's always come up with some catchy songs/videos.this one made me tear up..it's great:




(i forgot they sang that "hate is a strong a word" song ...loves it!)

this song has some pretty good memories associated with it...it's still hard to listen to without thinking about those memories...but it's all good...still an awesome to listen to..especially when it's played on the guitar




I guess that's all for now...adios!

excuse me

ok you can come back anytime now..

meet me in montauk

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one of my all time favorite movies and will always be....I think what I love most about the movie (besides the acting, the sets, and the directing) is the overall plot. that basically no matter what happens you will end up with the person you were meant to be with. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a firm believer in soul mates, so this movie was made for me. I don't consider this movie as a "romantic film". I still can't find a word to describe it...I guess if there was another word for dream...dream-like. idk.....it's so different from most movies and it doesn't have that obvious "boy and girl meet then stay together forever." I remember the first time I watched it (with my ex-bf-still-good-friend) I was sooo confused and kept asking a bunch of questions, but instead of explaining to me what was going on and why, he kept saying "Just watch it" which was really frustrating, because I'm the kind of person who hates not knowing what is going on, especially in a movie. But I'm glad he did that, because it made the ending that much better.....I was so happy! it reminded me of when I watched Stranger Than Fiction for the first time and cried at the end because I was so happy (so sad I know).

I love the thought that there is someone out there that I'm meant to be with and possibly spend the rest of my life with......I'm always wondering who that person is...have I met him already, if not how much longer til I do? how will I know it's him? That's the hard part about this whole "soul mate" business...it's so vague...I like to think that if it were a painting it would be a really blurry Impression painting, you know there's an image in the painting somewhere, but it's so fuzzy you can't make out anything...just colors. Love is like that too....I've loved ppl, but I've only been IN love once.....I love and miss that feeling..it was a natural high...that probably sounds weird, but that's ok.