fuck

last night. bad and good.

where do i start??

yesterday day was ok...skipped my last class of the semester to go to senior sendoff day. (seniors walk back thru the columns to symbolize us leaving mizzou and going into the real world, then they give us beer and try to get us to join the alumni association. whatever.) even though i'm not graduating until december i still went...only b.c i friends were there. it's events like this that remind me how much i don't look my age...i feel like i still look 18. it's cool.

ended up getting drinks with chatoyya angelica and ryan. i had every intention of staying in and working on finals' stuff but this white chick was acting out. getting ready is where things went downhill. i saw pictures of myself from senior sendoff...i did not look good at all. apparently this whole mascara only/"au naturale" look i've been going for for the past month or two hasn't been working out...at all. then none of my clothes fit right, i looked super frumpy and when i attempted to put on makeup it didn't turn out so well. i so upset, i this close to bailing on going out and sitting on my floor in my underwear balling my eyes out.

but i was i a big girl, sucked it up and went out anyways...then of course when i told chatoyya what happened i got a little teary eyed. as i've mentioned before on here i'm a pretty happy person overall, i like my body even though we don't always get along, but something about last night made me get so emotional. i haven't felt that bad about myself in so long. chatoyya gave me a pep talk which cheered me up. unfortunately that's not where the bad ended.

it never fails, whenever i drink an ounce of alcohol whatever feelings i have for my ex come out. always. ALWAYS. he came up in conversation and drunk sydney jumped at the chance to talk about him. drunk sydney also admitted that a small part of my heart still belongs to him. idk what this feeling is. i'll admit he has said and done some pretty mean shit over the past couple of years. and yet i still get sad when he doesn't respond to my texts, go to him for comfort when i'm feeling down, i stopped following him on twitter 3 separate times, i hid him from my facebook newsfeed,i can only look at his page when i'm drunk, i try to be a good friend and listen to his dating woes which is a big step for me because i can finally do so without wanting to throw up and/or throw my phone against the wall, we still tell each other "i miss you" and "i was thinking about you", i have yet to find anyone who i have such strong chemistry with the way i do with him. basically it's one big emotional clusterfuck. we broke up almost 2 years ago so why do i still have "feelings" or whatever for this man?! it's fucked up i know...i've acknowledged it. but for some reason i can't let go. we've gone weeks without communicating and i've been perfectly content. and yet these feelings still exist. of course i would never tell him any of this, because i'm incapable of telling people how i feel.....whatever...not really just whatever. but whatever.

once again not the end of the bad.

i've written before about my heart condition. i haven't had heart palpitations in long time, but for some reason they've been bad this week. had one in class on tuesday that took me by such surprise i literally clutched my chest. but anyways so idk it was because of the alcohol but i got two last night. the second one happened after i had gotten home, the rapid heartbeat hurt so bad i started crying...then i wondered if it was the real reason i was crying..probably not but it's easier to blame it on my heart. i also think being drunk didn't make things better...but it was scary, because it lasted longer than usual.

so yea i've had better nights.

back to stale saltines, nursing my hangover and old episodes of fresh prince

hoping today will be better.