Tuesday, February 24, 2009

the truth hurts

jeez. I miss my kingstonbear so much.....I finally admitted to myself that I still love him..which was really hard to do. I never told him my favorite memories of him....I can never muster up enough courage to do so for some reason. A little while back I bought him a gorgeous card made by Papyrus paper company. It has gold leaf on it and the envelope is gold. I got it for his birthday even though it's not til March. I don't even want to say "happy birthday", as soon as I bought it, all I wanted to write was "You'll always have my heart". But as usual the courage hasn't built up yet......I might not ever tell him that I still love him...a part of me is scared he doesn't feel the same and I don't want to screw up our friendship. But it's on the tip of my tongue. All I want is for him to grab me, give me one of his passionate kisses like he used to and tell me he loves me. Even if we only remain friends for the rest of our lives. Those 3 words can be fatal.

But even though I feel this way, I also wonder is this really love that I'm feeling for him. I don't think I ever stopped loving him...I think there was a time when I just put it away for the sake of my sanity. what makes this really hard are the memories, good and bad. the good ones make me sad and want to be with him. but the bad ones make me think that we had our run and that was that. (especially infidelity). It's hard, because we've always had such great chemistry with one another. There's never been a dull moment or awkward silence. I won't pretend we didn't have our rough patches and hurt feelings, but when it's all said and done, we matched and complimented each other so well. It was so easy. He knew me so well...and still does...

ugh...he'd probably freak out if I told him all this....I know it's not healthy to keep all this bottled up inside, but a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do (especially if she doesn't want her feelings hurt.


Friday, February 20, 2009

meet me in montauk

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one of my all time favorite movies and will always be....I think what I love most about the movie (besides the acting, the sets, and the directing) is the overall plot. that basically no matter what happens you will end up with the person you were meant to be with. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a firm believer in soul mates, so this movie was made for me. I don't consider this movie as a "romantic film". I still can't find a word to describe it...I guess if there was another word for dream...dream-like. idk.....it's so different from most movies and it doesn't have that obvious "boy and girl meet then stay together forever." I remember the first time I watched it (with my ex-bf-still-good-friend) I was sooo confused and kept asking a bunch of questions, but instead of explaining to me what was going on and why, he kept saying "Just watch it" which was really frustrating, because I'm the kind of person who hates not knowing what is going on, especially in a movie. But I'm glad he did that, because it made the ending that much better.....I was so happy! it reminded me of when I watched Stranger Than Fiction for the first time and cried at the end because I was so happy (so sad I know).

I love the thought that there is someone out there that I'm meant to be with and possibly spend the rest of my life with......I'm always wondering who that person is...have I met him already, if not how much longer til I do? how will I know it's him? That's the hard part about this whole "soul mate" business...it's so vague...I like to think that if it were a painting it would be a really blurry Impression painting, you know there's an image in the painting somewhere, but it's so fuzzy you can't make out anything...just colors. Love is like that too....I've loved ppl, but I've only been IN love once.....I love and miss that feeling..it was a natural high...that probably sounds weird, but that's ok.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


sooo I've been living here in the Great Plains my whole life. I'm pretty used to the normal midwest seasons and their temperatures: spring=fair & warm, summer= past humid and hot, fall= fair and cool, winter= always freezing. I feel like I've adapted pretty well to these conditions. With that in mind one would think that while attending college in mid-Missouri, I would be able to handle this weather ok. NOT!! I don't know what it is, but I CANNOT function in these cold temperatures. The actual temperature this morning (9ish?) was in the high teens, low 20's but it really felt like single digit #'s. Maybe this is hard for me, because I'm walking around outside, whereas back at home I was inside during school. But this is my 3rd year so I really should be used to it...nope. All I do is complain complain. This weather is not helpful to my academics.....it makes going to class really hard!! oh well....I knew I shouldn't have gotten too excited when it hit the upper 50's just a few weeks ago. (I should've known it was a fluke...it's Feburary, in Missouri!!! That's not normal at all.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

what I can't live without

So I visited one of my really good friends today and she had mentioned that she was working on her blog which reminded me I haven't written in awhile so here I am. I decided to write about one of the things I can't live without...especially now. And that is music, especially the music of Death Cab For Cutie. I would have to say they are my all time favorite band. Although I'll admit that I didn't hear of them until my senior year of high school (?) but it was love at first sound? Well not real love of course, but that attachment you get to a band after hearing one song...you're hooked. Well that's how it is with me and Death Cab. I'm not sure what it is about their music, but I definitely have no problem keeping them on repeat. My best friend and I saw them in concert last summer (it was my first time) and I was blown away. They were amazing!!! definitely the best concert I've ever been to. I'm sure my friends are probably sick of me talking about them. oh well!!