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delirious. thank you fever

in bed pantless rewatching scooby doo episodes i was too delirious to watch earlier and eating strawberry poptarts.

whatever sickness i have has me going through it! last night i was all up in my feelings about someone i should not have feelings for (p in case it wasn't already obvious) ran to get subway at the on campus market, seriously almost passed out. i was cold, but felt soo hot.

actually showered today (couldn't muster up enough energy to yesterday..gross i know) at first i just stood there, then i realized how good the hot water felt so i decided to take a bath. but then the water was taking too long to run, so i just sat in the tub while the shower ran and filled up the tub. it was sooo nice just sitting there with the hot water on. thought i was doing better until i went to get food and almost passed out...again. ugh. at least i don't feel like i'm dying like i did yesterday.

i could really go for a footlong sonic coney dog..yummers!

emmy's are tonight..i wish i liked award shows..i used to a little when i was younger, but it's hard watching movies/people/shows you like and want to win, lose. so far the only thing that has made me excited for the emmy's are keith powell's (toofer from 30 rock) twitter pictures from the red carpet (yes i'm a creeper)

i heard a ringing in my ear earlier today and it really creeped me out. it was the yearly school hearing test type ringing. freaky!

lovelovelove

sometime last week i had a dream james roday from psych and i were in love..i woke up so happy.

i miss that feeling. being in love is indescribable.

rip sydney

sooo i'm currently laying (lying?) on my death bed with a weird sinus headache/cold thing. last night was HORRIBLE! hung out with a friend and sniffled and sneezed all night. what's really embarrassing, but totally makes sense to happen in my life, is trying to discreetly wipe your nose and continuously keep yourself from sneezing during certain adult activities. yes, welcome to my life.

he gave me sudafed which helped a little, but when i woke up this morning i thought i was dying! had to run to wally world on my way home and seriously stood in the cold/allergy aisle trying to decide which medicine matched my self diagnosis. so far the sinus headache stuff hasn't worked and neither has the cold/flu dayquil. i'm hungry, but it hurts to move so i haven't gotten up to leave to eat....basically this is a complaining post.

i'm a closet dramaqueen. my leo tendencies are hidden: i love love love being the center of attention, but would never openly admit to it..or act like it. BUT that all changes as soon as i get sick. i complain to who ever will listen. i always say i'm on my deathbed or dying from ebola...even with the smallest cold. class definitely suffers when i'm sick. but then again hypochonria is in my genes, so technically it's not my fault....lol.

i could really use some ibprofen right about now.

it's times like this i wish i had a booski to take care of me and listen to me whine(more like keep him hostage with me) ...that'd be so nice.

my throat hurts so much!

creepy alert: i'm watching this special on hell on the history channel (yes i'm lame) and this catholic religious guy has a radio show and played a recording from some mining place who sent microphones super deep into the earth to record whatever. and the recording isn't like the usual paranormal ghost sounds: fuzzy, garbled, doesn't really sound like anything. BUT the recording the catholic guy had sounded like real people screaming...it was super weird. of course ppl are saying it's fake, and i'm not saying i believe it's a recording of hell. i will say that i have watched my fair share of ghost hunting shows (once again, i've acknowledged my lameness) to tell that either it's fake or something else is going on down wherever the recording was taken from.

just sayin.

i have stupid french homework due tonight. i'm so over this class.

back to my death bed i guess

stupid school

school is dumb.

i can't wait to graduate.

somehow i ended up not getting called on at all today in french class, but then i failed the first quiz. that's what happens in sydney's world, which btw is ruled by karma. *sigh* oh well. thank gooseness it's friday. unfortunately i have no extra spending $$ for booze....uggggh!

i really should stop complaining. maybe i'll get started on my grad school shit again. this morning i decided that even though i want to take a break before grad school, i'm still gonna apply to bard college. if i don't get in for next fall then i'll still go on break. if i do...then yay! so that's my mission.

i miss my puppydog Ginger...i would call home to talk to her (yes i have my parents hold the phone to her ear while i say hi) buuut after the conversation i had with my mom yesterday, i think i'm gonna lay low for awhile..usually that works.

as of now my booskie requirements are as follows: must make me laugh, won't judge me for being messy & eating in bed, and will give me lots of hugs & kisses. now i do have standards but at this point, this is what i want.

last thing: this morning pandora introduced me to lissy trullie....soo good!! florence + the machine pandora station was such a good idea!

ok i'm done rambling...really i'm missing the major fight going on on the bad girls club lol.

until next time!

thursdays are bad days

so my younger sister has a theory (with evidence to back it up) that thursdays are bad days. when i have bad days i agree with her. i'd give today a C, maybe a high B. ok there were A worthy moments, but i'm talking an overall grade.

today in a nutshell:

lied to my french professor

almost killed myself during modern art

started my sketches

first day back at the art league

counted all the $ in the drawer correctly the first time (this never happens)

possibly ruined my mom's credit score

lied to my RA to get out of a hall social event

I have to give myself credit, because since monday i've started a "talking bad about people" fast. that is one of my worst habits. so i've stopped saying mean things out loud and as soon as i think something mean i tell myself to stop. i know it's not some nobel peace prize winning thing, but it's something i don't like about myself and after boohooing on monday i realized i had no right to talk about anybody. so there we go.

i had much more to say earlier today..oh well!

ps: i got one of those automatic glade spray freshner thingys. yea it scares the shit out of me b.c it's so freaking loud when it sprays and i don't keep time of every 36 mins that go by.

emailed my professor, no morning studying. going back to sleep

^^ most current tweet.

email to professor:

Bonjour Antoine,

Je ne pourrai pas recontrer avec vous aujourd’hui. J’oublie´ J’ai rendez-vous avec ma conseilere. Au revoir!

-Mlle Cooper

ok so I told a little white lie...i don't really have an appointment with my advisor. i'm just really tired and am not up for meeting today. that two sentence email took me for freaking ever to write.

i swear i'm going back to sleep..as soon as i take a break from reading this awesome blog "New York Days" which i found via "Parliament Pavement" who also has a tumblr page (both are pretty cool...but her tumblr page is definitely winning out of the two)

that's a really bad habit of mine, when i find a new blog i really like i tend to try and read it..from finish to start. which is bad some days like today when i'm exhausted and want to go back to sleep, but the blog is so good i can't stop reading.

last night i had a dream i went to see the last exorcism with my family, but then chickened out. maybe that's a sign...

first day back at the art league today...can't wait!

now back to sleep.

pour dejuner je mange de sandwich du jambon et frommage.

that's supposed to say "for lunch i ate a ham and cheese sandwich".

french is going slightly better. pretty sure my professor still thinks i'm unqualified for the class, but i could give two fucks. at least he's nice about thinking i'm an idiot when i meet with him during his office hours. read "le petit prince" out loud for a little while tonight like he recommended. i figure i should be somewhat ok if i keep going for help.

got my first 3D art project today..so excited! already have an idea in mind, just hope my teacher doesn't shoot it down when i show her my sketches next week.

in other news, my room is a mess as usual..3rd day of school..idk if it's a record or not. i bet if i lived in a cool apartment with hardwood floors it would look cool to have my textbooks scattered on the floor among articles of clothing. but on the carpeted floor of a small dorm like room it just looks messy.

i wish i had someone to read to. how cute would it be to lay in bed resting on someone's nook while reading le petit prince out loud to them? that might just be the hopeless romantic in me.

i have to admit my flying piggy bank looks pretty good on my shelf (go me and my decorating taste!)

yesterday p told me he missed me. i didn't say it back. for the sake of my heart that's being barely held together by a busy mind, brave face, and bitterness; i didn't say it back. not to say that i DO miss him...i don't. i just know our clusterfuck pattern and me saying i miss you too would just start the emotional shitshow all over again. when i said i'm done this time i meant it. for real for real. i'll admit that at the current moment i'm feeling super lonely and really craving companionship, but whatever "companionship" p could give me isn't worth fucking up my emotional sanity....again...for the ZILLIONTH time. so yea. there's that.

sidenote: JUST figured out why i've been having trouble falling asleep even though i'm exhausted. cream freaking soda! yes i've had one every night about this time since sunday (don't judge me) yep i'm a smart one.

i want to end on a good note... saturday, december 18th, 2010 12pm. GRADUATION!!

off to bed...and by bed i mean finish my snack, cream soda and family guy.

cry baby

i'll make this a quick post since i'm in between french notecards....and family guy lol

today was the first day of classes. my harlem renaissance went well, just the usual syllabus stuff. then had my french class...ended up crying to my teacher afterwards, because i couldn't answer the questions he asked me. it was so bad..like out of a movie. i'm just really grateful he was nice about it even though i was super awkward. going to see him during his office hours tomorrow. then had my 3D art class..really excited for that, we gonna get use the woodshop!! saws! power tools! etc! lol. overall the day was pretty good. tomorrow i have to work on applying to jobs.

short and sweet.

really tempted to go to bed..soo tired!

packing schmacking

sooo it's currently about 9am..give or take a few minutes and I'm in bed contemplating if i want to start packing or not...i'm leaning towards not. which isn't really a good decision considering i leave for school tomorrow morning and all i've contributed to packing is half heartedly packing my purple tub container with random shizz and moving my art supplies crate from my room downstairs to the living room. my room is a mess. i absolutely hate packing. i mean i'll get it done..i HAVE to before 10am tomorrow, it's just that i don't really want to. whatever.

still waiting on my ipod cord to get here in the mail. p didn't mail it until last saturday and lord knows how long it takes for mail to get from nyc to here. i just hope it arrives today, otherwise i'll have to have my parents mail it to me at school and i know as soon as my mom sees that he sent me something her nosiness is going to into overdrive. things have been going much better between us on my end..mainly because lately we've only been communicating once or twice a week which is perfectly ok with me...gives my emotions a break.

so excited for my classes this semester! well except for french of course...i can still read it fairly well, i'm just hoping my professor isn't going to speak to us in it all the time or i'm screwed. since it's been about 4 years since my last french class i'm not worried about getting a bad grade. i know enough to not fail, but i doubt i'll get an A...i'm shooting for a C. i'm really excited for my harlem renaissance art history class, i can't believe they're devoting a whole class to the harlem renaissance! i'm also excited for the class because chatoyya is in it too which is sentimental, because first semester freshman year we had history class together and here we are last semester of college in the same class...we're both pretty sentimental about it lol.

guess i could do some packing before i have to take my dad's car in to get the oil changed....UUUGGGHHH. packing is the worst!

postin' in the mornin'

all mf-ing summer (ok so really since about mid june) my body has grown accustomed to a new sleep schedule: sleepy by 10:30pm, awake before 8am. at first i was annoyed because i was getting up before 9am for no reason..except for the days i volunteer. but then i realized it could be a good thing since lord knows my sleep schedule last semester was all kinds of fucked up. ok so we're finally at what i really wanted to talk about. last semester was without a doubt my toughest semester. about march i was highly considering dropping out of some of my classes. but i made it through and it still puts a smile on my face to know that i came out with NOTHING below a B during my hardest semester. so proud of myself.

my last semester will be somewhat tough too. taking my last 3 credits of french...i haven't taken french since high school...it should be interesting. i'm also worried about the 3D art class, i've only taken one other art class in high school and the only reason i got an A was b.c my teacher was hippie- down with the institution of rules, etc. and as long as i gave some bullshit explanation of the meaning behind my work i'd get a good grade. but i have a big feeling i'm gonna have to actually put effort into my assignments with this class...it's just hard for me to be creative on a deadline. idk..we'll see how it goes.

anyways, bree, gianni and i went to soul sessions last night. i love love love spoken word. it always makes me wish i could write poetry. there was one artist there named truespeech who was definitely my favorite, but i can't find him anywhere.

i go back to good ol' mizzou in about two weeks. as much as i bitch about the school sometimes i'm excited to see the lovely campus again. the house i'll be living in will give me new scenery as opposed to where my dorm was last year. i'm also excited about living in the house. there's only going to be 26 of us, two people to a bathroom, we have our own laundry room and there's two kitchens. guess i'm also excited because i won't be in a dorm.

might get to wear my new dress this weekend!! as much as i whine about not having enough clothes, i'm not a big shopper. mostly because it's hard for me to spend $ on clothes..very picky about prices especially when money is tight. BUT this dress is bad if i do say so myself, i've been giving myself pats on the back since i bought it lol. so excited to go dancing in it!

that's all for now i guess...back to harry potter 2

and so it was written

here's the game plan: move to nyc next sept. hopefully i'll have a friend with me (started getting katie's thinking wheels turning today after i jokingly but in all seriousness asked her to move with me..i think it worked because she started looking at apts in chelsea and greenwich village on craigslist..yay!) that being said my plan is to work 2 jobs (possibly 3 if i can make it work) from the time i graduate until sept. which means the whole internship will be put on hold...getting out of the hellhole that is kansas city (and i use the word hellhole in the nicest way) so there's that. lord help me.

i was gonna talk about p, but my brain is tired so i'm not.

i keep meaning to download janelle monae's new stuff, but i keep forgetting.

and i'm almost out of my burberry brit perfume..sadness.

i think i'm just talking to talk...or type? hmm.

bring it down a notch please

wow last night was bad for my emotions...thanks non existent alcohol limit. on the outside i was totally fine, but the animated in my head lizzie mcguire me was tipping over filing cabinets and kicking over office coolers hulk style..(yes the inside of my mind is an office setting...not sure why) thank goodness twitter got the majority of my drunken rage.(not counting the previous post which was drunkenly typed)...it was baaaad. BUT! only shed a few tears..go me!!! it could've been worse, i could've been spilling my guts to my friends while out at some club all sloppy drunk like...at least last night i was in the comfort of my own home with my computer...which thinking about about it the latter is probably worse, but whatever. i still have a lot of pent up emotion since i never express how i truly feel...guess i'm saving it all up for when i can actually afford to go to a therapist.

In other news, decided that I’m going to buy myself a macbook for graduation this December. I’ve wanted one for the longest time (years) and I was considering pooling together whatever xmas and graduation $$ I get, but I really want this and it would mean a lot more to me if I bought it on my own. SO between paying off these school bills and saving for new laptop things are going to be pretty tight..i need a job sooo bad. Fingers crossed I get one.

Excited to go back…mostly because I need to get out of this house..fast. I’m also excited because it’s my last semester! Then time to start a new chapter in my life. I can’t wait.

FTS

stands for fuck that shit. fuck falling in love.

yes i said it.

yes i'm drunk. idontgiveafuck.

title

so these 2 videos are among the very very small record of my trip to see p in stl. (well besides my pictures & video of the fireworks we watched on 4th of july, btw who knew watching fireworks could be romantic? well they are unfortunately...stupid fireworks) i'll admit that i shed my normal "saying goodbye" tears on the train, i also cried because i regretted not taking any pictures..and because i was so cold towards him the day i left as a result of getting my feelings hurt the night before. once the train pulled out of the station (which almost left WITH him because he sat with me on the train for a few minutes to say goodbye) the tears started flowing. i was angry with myself for being so bitter and wished i had taken pictures. it wasn't until about 45 mins later, after i got a hold of myself, that i realized that i had every right to be angry with him and even though i had been super distant, it was one of the few times in the years i've known him that i expressed how i truly felt. even though a little drama occurred, overall i had such a fun time and i don't regret going regardless of what happened.

so to make a long story short, here are two videos of p that basically sum him up. i love it, they make me laugh every time...and i'm putting them on here even though i know he'd kill me....

purple has always been my favorite color

chicago pictures are still on their way....actually to be honest they might just not come at all..which is fine since they're all up on fb already. even though i probably should just put them on here anyway since it's a lot easier than the grief fb put me through...we'll see.

in other news, went on a little shopping trip with katie, a good friend from high school. we had a nice little chat about grad school. told her about my anxiety attack/nervous breakdown. good to know i'm the only one worried about it. then she asked me a question that since i decided what i wanted to study, i've never asked myself, "have you considered taking time off before going to grad school?" idk why, but ever since i figured out that i want to study curatorial studies, that question never crossed my mind. and the more and more i think about it, it sounds like a good idea. still pondering it..

found a cute cute dress for tonight's festivities with bree and kalisha. of course after squeezing into 6 other dresses...i came to the conclusion that i must wear a size XL in forever 21 dresses and not L anymore. which i don't mind, it just sucks realizing that in the dressing room...after i ripped part of the seam on one dress.oops. ended up with an adorable cream smock type dress that goes to about my knees..so excited to wear it.

now i'll admit i personally don't believe in love at first sight...or at least i didn't until we were walking through nordstrom's on our way out:

isn't it GORGEOUS?! i literally stopped dead in my tracks. and i'll admit i'm not one of those girls that follows designers or knows a lot about their collections, but this marc jacobs purse is the bees knees!! i almost cried when i looked at the price $500 :(( if it had been about $450 cheaper i would've spent every dime i had in my wallet to buy it. it makes my heart go pitter patter lol.

tuesday my sperry's from chicago came in:

it's hard to tell, but the patten leather part of the shoe is purple and the plaid is purple/lavender. these stopped me dead in my tracks too. not only did i get them on sale for $30 below the original price, but i got free shipping too!! i've worn them everywhere with everything!

have mentioned how excited i am for the part 1 of the 7th harry potter movie? i am. super super excited! daniel radcliffe looks sooo good now that he's grown out of his awkward teenager "i look like harry potter even when i'm not in costume" phase. can't wait!!

guess that's all for now

happy birfday to me...and all that jazz

i've been seriously putting off this post for the longest time...laziness i guess.

anyways, where do i start? i guess chicago is a good place

last week my sister and i joined my mumsie in the windy city for about 5 days. it was sooo nice! granted my sister and i got on each other nerves, but i loved loved LOVED the city! it was a real city..i loved crossing the street against traffic, i loved all the people everywhere, i loved the constant honking. the thought of living in a big city (chicago may not seem big, but i've lived in kansas city all my life) used to always scare me...actually going to one made me so excited to move. unfortunately the connection i thought i was going to feel at the grad school at SAIC never happened. idk if it was because the tour was 16 hours long or because my sister was annoying me, but i just did not feel it. which i guess could be a good thing so i don't have to waste $ applying there. chicago pictures coming soon...probably...hopefully

so after chicago came my birthday (sunday august 1st) . i was pretty lowkey about it, 22 isn't that big of deal to me. yes i should be thankful i lived another year..i am..buut i still wasn't that excited..idk. ended up spending about 9 hours of it on a train back home..which wasn't bad. so glad i brought the harry potter book to read again and spent a week downloading movies. i surprisingly got some good sleep too. had good conversations with p while in chicago and on the train...he's still special to me even if we are just friends.

so back in kansas city...unfortunately. i'm so sick of volunteering...all i do is sit at the visiter's desk, try not to fall asleep and tell grown ass people who don't know how to read signs that food and liquid is not allowed in the museum. *sigh* i have to keep talking myself down from the ledge when i freak out about not doing an internship and how even though the experience would've been nice, it's not going to ruin my life. i definitely had a nervous breakdown about grad school last and almost cried until p calmed me down. it's just that i'm so worried that i don't have enough experience to put on my cv and i won't get into grad school. but then i made the executive decision that if i don't get into grad school i'm still going to move away. i'm keeping the destination a secret unti the time comes to make that decision. but i'm definitely definitely moving away next august...or possibly next may/june...we'll see.

what else is new?

bought new sperry's while in chi city. purple plaid..so cute.. and so me. still working on getting a pair of toms..even though they're about $30 more than i'd like to pay for them and they look goofy on my feet..but details details.

so ready for school to start...can't believe it's my last semester..kind of freaky.

guess that's all for now...