the truth hurts

jeez. I miss my kingstonbear so much.....I finally admitted to myself that I still love him..which was really hard to do. I never told him my favorite memories of him....I can never muster up enough courage to do so for some reason. A little while back I bought him a gorgeous card made by Papyrus paper company. It has gold leaf on it and the envelope is gold. I got it for his birthday even though it's not til March. I don't even want to say "happy birthday", as soon as I bought it, all I wanted to write was "You'll always have my heart". But as usual the courage hasn't built up yet......I might not ever tell him that I still love him...a part of me is scared he doesn't feel the same and I don't want to screw up our friendship. But it's on the tip of my tongue. All I want is for him to grab me, give me one of his passionate kisses like he used to and tell me he loves me. Even if we only remain friends for the rest of our lives. Those 3 words can be fatal.

But even though I feel this way, I also wonder is this really love that I'm feeling for him. I don't think I ever stopped loving him...I think there was a time when I just put it away for the sake of my sanity. what makes this really hard are the memories, good and bad. the good ones make me sad and want to be with him. but the bad ones make me think that we had our run and that was that. (especially infidelity). It's hard, because we've always had such great chemistry with one another. There's never been a dull moment or awkward silence. I won't pretend we didn't have our rough patches and hurt feelings, but when it's all said and done, we matched and complimented each other so well. It was so easy. He knew me so well...and still does...


ugh...he'd probably freak out if I told him all this....I know it's not healthy to keep all this bottled up inside, but a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do (especially if she doesn't want her feelings hurt.

jeez.