new name for new bloggity blog

http://summersetting.tumblr.com/

i'll be back

but until then

http://wallflowerdreams.tumblr.com/

she works hard for the money

..or in my case WILL be working hard for the money. yesterday chatoyya and i drove all over columbia picking up applications..when i say "all over" i mean just at the mall...but we did get a bunch and i turned ones into joann's fabrics and hobby lobby. we're supposed to go back to the mall later today to hand in the ones we picked up yesterday. at this point i don't even care where i work as long as i get a job. thursday i decided i was gonna go home this weekend out of the blue, almost started crying when i found out i didn't have enough money for gas to get there. BUT the brightside is yesterday i discovered that the french quiz i originally thought was the monday after this upcoming monday is really taking place this upcoming monday...in a few days. i never can get any work done while i'm home, so it's probably for the best.

bard college FINALLY posted their application for their curatorial studies ma program...it's really pathetic the number of times i logged on the application website to see if it was posted lol. anyways, it made me really excited to fill it out. i REALLY REALLY REALLY hope i get accepted...i'd be happy to get into any of the schools i'm applying to, but I'm in love with bard and it's been my #1 since i decided to go to grad school for curatorial studies. so fingers have officially been crossed.

moving on...my list of things i want to get as soon as i start getting regular paychecks keeps growing..it's so bad. i can't decide which holga camera i want lol. i really like the classic black because it has a flash, but the other one is purple!!! if i could find a purple holga WITH a flash oh i'd be in there like swimwear!

aren't they pretty?!

had a dream last night that some gangster like guy who ran my town came to visit my apartment building and to keep him from taking all our money and stuff my parents basically promised me to him in marriage. bad thing is in my dream i didn't even have a problem with it...it was so weird...what's also weird is that the guy was really good looking and not that old. but then again it just follows the pattern of me having off the wall dreams.

guess i'll go back to filling out this michael's online application..they said it's supposed to take 45 minutes! not happy about that...but i guess it's worth it since i need a job like 2 months ago..

here we go again

apparently i like getting myself into trouble in the feelings department.

fucking shit fuck fuck

lazzzzy ass

what did i do today?

slept on and off til about 3-3:30..didn't up and showered til about 5 to go get food. yes that was the only time i left the house.

other than that just sat in bed watching tv and internet hopping. mostly i acted like i don't have a critique for my art class to prepare for, don't have french to study for and readings for harlem renaissance which i skipped on friday to take a personal day....yes i got a major f in productivity today...but it felt nice not doing anything

also i may or may not have thought about how nice it was to cuddle with him...BUT NOT IN A ROMANTIC I MISS HIM SORT OF WAY...just in a i wanna cuddle sort of way...idk whatever

i really need a haircut...badly.

and i want that ring!! i'm thinking that if i can save the $ for it, i might make it a graduation present to myself...BUT if i somehow get the $ before i graduate i'm so getting it. it's so pretty!! speaking of materialism, last night i discovered that columbia photo currently not only has holga cameras in sale, and color holga cameras for that matter, but (drum roll please) THEY THEM IN VIOLET!! i'm definitely definitely getting that camera..and for $40?! hell yes! i know i really need to stop adding things to my "things to get with my paycheck" list..good news is i got my new social security card in the mail today so no more excuses, i HAVE to apply this week.

wish i had something more profound and meaningful to say, but i don't..that's cool

bitchfest 2010 part 1 of an unending series

school is dumb

guys are lame

i hate admitting to having feelings for people (NOT p btw...i can truthfully say, while swearing on a harry potter book that i am over him)

i'm tired of being single

still don't understand why and how people think rape jokes are funny. they're not. they never will be and never have been. i don't care if tina fey writes the joke..rape isn't funny.

finally..

i want this ring the way lindsay lohan wants crack (yea i went there)

isn't simply gorgeous?! it kills me that it's $700...BUT good thing is it's #1 on my "things i'm gonna buy with my first paycheck" list(still working on that whole priorities thing). even though i have yet to apply to said any job. i loves it and has to have it. even though it's an engagement ring, i needs it. now i'm not craycray, it'd totally wear it on my middle finger.

the snl premiere tonight was sooo good!!! they brought everybody back and amy poehler was a great host

time for bed

how about a quickie?

been avoiding blogging for the past few weeks...

mainly because angelica's mom passed away about 3 1/2 weeks ago and i wasn't sure if i wanted to talk about it on here or if i even should. even as i write this i keep deleting and rewriting...not sure exactly what to say...out of respect to angelica and her mom i won't go into any details...my heart still goes out to her...

school has been stressful as fuck. french is killing me...took the first quiz last week..i'll just say that i didn't fail, but i didn't exactly get a C...lol. i know i should care more...buuut....yea. getting through modern art without stabbing myself in the neck is getting harder and harder. on the upside i am LOVING my harlem renaissance class, i have to give my professor props, she's doing a great job...i was skeptical at first since she's white, but she's definitely on top of her game. almost done with my first 3D art project...it turned out soo good considering it was the project from hell and the number one stresser...on my second trip to michaels on saturday i ran over a turtle....was totally traumatized. as soon as i'm completely done i'll post pictures.

new celebrity crush: donald glover

he plays troy on community, used to write for 30 rock (!!!!!!), and a part of derrick comedy. ALSO he's a rapper and goes by the stage name childish gambino. he's pretty awesome. i have to admit, it took a little while for community to grow on me, but as a whole the show is pretty clever and really funny. anyways he's pretty cool..love his music and i've always liked derrick comedy.

guess that's all for now..

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delirious. thank you fever

in bed pantless rewatching scooby doo episodes i was too delirious to watch earlier and eating strawberry poptarts.

whatever sickness i have has me going through it! last night i was all up in my feelings about someone i should not have feelings for (p in case it wasn't already obvious) ran to get subway at the on campus market, seriously almost passed out. i was cold, but felt soo hot.

actually showered today (couldn't muster up enough energy to yesterday..gross i know) at first i just stood there, then i realized how good the hot water felt so i decided to take a bath. but then the water was taking too long to run, so i just sat in the tub while the shower ran and filled up the tub. it was sooo nice just sitting there with the hot water on. thought i was doing better until i went to get food and almost passed out...again. ugh. at least i don't feel like i'm dying like i did yesterday.

i could really go for a footlong sonic coney dog..yummers!

emmy's are tonight..i wish i liked award shows..i used to a little when i was younger, but it's hard watching movies/people/shows you like and want to win, lose. so far the only thing that has made me excited for the emmy's are keith powell's (toofer from 30 rock) twitter pictures from the red carpet (yes i'm a creeper)

i heard a ringing in my ear earlier today and it really creeped me out. it was the yearly school hearing test type ringing. freaky!

lovelovelove

sometime last week i had a dream james roday from psych and i were in love..i woke up so happy.

i miss that feeling. being in love is indescribable.

rip sydney

sooo i'm currently laying (lying?) on my death bed with a weird sinus headache/cold thing. last night was HORRIBLE! hung out with a friend and sniffled and sneezed all night. what's really embarrassing, but totally makes sense to happen in my life, is trying to discreetly wipe your nose and continuously keep yourself from sneezing during certain adult activities. yes, welcome to my life.

he gave me sudafed which helped a little, but when i woke up this morning i thought i was dying! had to run to wally world on my way home and seriously stood in the cold/allergy aisle trying to decide which medicine matched my self diagnosis. so far the sinus headache stuff hasn't worked and neither has the cold/flu dayquil. i'm hungry, but it hurts to move so i haven't gotten up to leave to eat....basically this is a complaining post.

i'm a closet dramaqueen. my leo tendencies are hidden: i love love love being the center of attention, but would never openly admit to it..or act like it. BUT that all changes as soon as i get sick. i complain to who ever will listen. i always say i'm on my deathbed or dying from ebola...even with the smallest cold. class definitely suffers when i'm sick. but then again hypochonria is in my genes, so technically it's not my fault....lol.

i could really use some ibprofen right about now.

it's times like this i wish i had a booski to take care of me and listen to me whine(more like keep him hostage with me) ...that'd be so nice.

my throat hurts so much!

creepy alert: i'm watching this special on hell on the history channel (yes i'm lame) and this catholic religious guy has a radio show and played a recording from some mining place who sent microphones super deep into the earth to record whatever. and the recording isn't like the usual paranormal ghost sounds: fuzzy, garbled, doesn't really sound like anything. BUT the recording the catholic guy had sounded like real people screaming...it was super weird. of course ppl are saying it's fake, and i'm not saying i believe it's a recording of hell. i will say that i have watched my fair share of ghost hunting shows (once again, i've acknowledged my lameness) to tell that either it's fake or something else is going on down wherever the recording was taken from.

just sayin.

i have stupid french homework due tonight. i'm so over this class.

back to my death bed i guess

stupid school

school is dumb.

i can't wait to graduate.

somehow i ended up not getting called on at all today in french class, but then i failed the first quiz. that's what happens in sydney's world, which btw is ruled by karma. *sigh* oh well. thank gooseness it's friday. unfortunately i have no extra spending $$ for booze....uggggh!

i really should stop complaining. maybe i'll get started on my grad school shit again. this morning i decided that even though i want to take a break before grad school, i'm still gonna apply to bard college. if i don't get in for next fall then i'll still go on break. if i do...then yay! so that's my mission.

i miss my puppydog Ginger...i would call home to talk to her (yes i have my parents hold the phone to her ear while i say hi) buuut after the conversation i had with my mom yesterday, i think i'm gonna lay low for awhile..usually that works.

as of now my booskie requirements are as follows: must make me laugh, won't judge me for being messy & eating in bed, and will give me lots of hugs & kisses. now i do have standards but at this point, this is what i want.

last thing: this morning pandora introduced me to lissy trullie....soo good!! florence + the machine pandora station was such a good idea!

ok i'm done rambling...really i'm missing the major fight going on on the bad girls club lol.

until next time!

thursdays are bad days

so my younger sister has a theory (with evidence to back it up) that thursdays are bad days. when i have bad days i agree with her. i'd give today a C, maybe a high B. ok there were A worthy moments, but i'm talking an overall grade.

today in a nutshell:

lied to my french professor

almost killed myself during modern art

started my sketches

first day back at the art league

counted all the $ in the drawer correctly the first time (this never happens)

possibly ruined my mom's credit score

lied to my RA to get out of a hall social event

I have to give myself credit, because since monday i've started a "talking bad about people" fast. that is one of my worst habits. so i've stopped saying mean things out loud and as soon as i think something mean i tell myself to stop. i know it's not some nobel peace prize winning thing, but it's something i don't like about myself and after boohooing on monday i realized i had no right to talk about anybody. so there we go.

i had much more to say earlier today..oh well!

ps: i got one of those automatic glade spray freshner thingys. yea it scares the shit out of me b.c it's so freaking loud when it sprays and i don't keep time of every 36 mins that go by.

emailed my professor, no morning studying. going back to sleep

^^ most current tweet.

email to professor:

Bonjour Antoine,

Je ne pourrai pas recontrer avec vous aujourd’hui. J’oublie´ J’ai rendez-vous avec ma conseilere. Au revoir!

-Mlle Cooper

ok so I told a little white lie...i don't really have an appointment with my advisor. i'm just really tired and am not up for meeting today. that two sentence email took me for freaking ever to write.

i swear i'm going back to sleep..as soon as i take a break from reading this awesome blog "New York Days" which i found via "Parliament Pavement" who also has a tumblr page (both are pretty cool...but her tumblr page is definitely winning out of the two)

that's a really bad habit of mine, when i find a new blog i really like i tend to try and read it..from finish to start. which is bad some days like today when i'm exhausted and want to go back to sleep, but the blog is so good i can't stop reading.

last night i had a dream i went to see the last exorcism with my family, but then chickened out. maybe that's a sign...

first day back at the art league today...can't wait!

now back to sleep.

pour dejuner je mange de sandwich du jambon et frommage.

that's supposed to say "for lunch i ate a ham and cheese sandwich".

french is going slightly better. pretty sure my professor still thinks i'm unqualified for the class, but i could give two fucks. at least he's nice about thinking i'm an idiot when i meet with him during his office hours. read "le petit prince" out loud for a little while tonight like he recommended. i figure i should be somewhat ok if i keep going for help.

got my first 3D art project today..so excited! already have an idea in mind, just hope my teacher doesn't shoot it down when i show her my sketches next week.

in other news, my room is a mess as usual..3rd day of school..idk if it's a record or not. i bet if i lived in a cool apartment with hardwood floors it would look cool to have my textbooks scattered on the floor among articles of clothing. but on the carpeted floor of a small dorm like room it just looks messy.

i wish i had someone to read to. how cute would it be to lay in bed resting on someone's nook while reading le petit prince out loud to them? that might just be the hopeless romantic in me.

i have to admit my flying piggy bank looks pretty good on my shelf (go me and my decorating taste!)

yesterday p told me he missed me. i didn't say it back. for the sake of my heart that's being barely held together by a busy mind, brave face, and bitterness; i didn't say it back. not to say that i DO miss him...i don't. i just know our clusterfuck pattern and me saying i miss you too would just start the emotional shitshow all over again. when i said i'm done this time i meant it. for real for real. i'll admit that at the current moment i'm feeling super lonely and really craving companionship, but whatever "companionship" p could give me isn't worth fucking up my emotional sanity....again...for the ZILLIONTH time. so yea. there's that.

sidenote: JUST figured out why i've been having trouble falling asleep even though i'm exhausted. cream freaking soda! yes i've had one every night about this time since sunday (don't judge me) yep i'm a smart one.

i want to end on a good note... saturday, december 18th, 2010 12pm. GRADUATION!!

off to bed...and by bed i mean finish my snack, cream soda and family guy.

cry baby

i'll make this a quick post since i'm in between french notecards....and family guy lol

today was the first day of classes. my harlem renaissance went well, just the usual syllabus stuff. then had my french class...ended up crying to my teacher afterwards, because i couldn't answer the questions he asked me. it was so bad..like out of a movie. i'm just really grateful he was nice about it even though i was super awkward. going to see him during his office hours tomorrow. then had my 3D art class..really excited for that, we gonna get use the woodshop!! saws! power tools! etc! lol. overall the day was pretty good. tomorrow i have to work on applying to jobs.

short and sweet.

really tempted to go to bed..soo tired!

packing schmacking

sooo it's currently about 9am..give or take a few minutes and I'm in bed contemplating if i want to start packing or not...i'm leaning towards not. which isn't really a good decision considering i leave for school tomorrow morning and all i've contributed to packing is half heartedly packing my purple tub container with random shizz and moving my art supplies crate from my room downstairs to the living room. my room is a mess. i absolutely hate packing. i mean i'll get it done..i HAVE to before 10am tomorrow, it's just that i don't really want to. whatever.

still waiting on my ipod cord to get here in the mail. p didn't mail it until last saturday and lord knows how long it takes for mail to get from nyc to here. i just hope it arrives today, otherwise i'll have to have my parents mail it to me at school and i know as soon as my mom sees that he sent me something her nosiness is going to into overdrive. things have been going much better between us on my end..mainly because lately we've only been communicating once or twice a week which is perfectly ok with me...gives my emotions a break.

so excited for my classes this semester! well except for french of course...i can still read it fairly well, i'm just hoping my professor isn't going to speak to us in it all the time or i'm screwed. since it's been about 4 years since my last french class i'm not worried about getting a bad grade. i know enough to not fail, but i doubt i'll get an A...i'm shooting for a C. i'm really excited for my harlem renaissance art history class, i can't believe they're devoting a whole class to the harlem renaissance! i'm also excited for the class because chatoyya is in it too which is sentimental, because first semester freshman year we had history class together and here we are last semester of college in the same class...we're both pretty sentimental about it lol.

guess i could do some packing before i have to take my dad's car in to get the oil changed....UUUGGGHHH. packing is the worst!

postin' in the mornin'

all mf-ing summer (ok so really since about mid june) my body has grown accustomed to a new sleep schedule: sleepy by 10:30pm, awake before 8am. at first i was annoyed because i was getting up before 9am for no reason..except for the days i volunteer. but then i realized it could be a good thing since lord knows my sleep schedule last semester was all kinds of fucked up. ok so we're finally at what i really wanted to talk about. last semester was without a doubt my toughest semester. about march i was highly considering dropping out of some of my classes. but i made it through and it still puts a smile on my face to know that i came out with NOTHING below a B during my hardest semester. so proud of myself.

my last semester will be somewhat tough too. taking my last 3 credits of french...i haven't taken french since high school...it should be interesting. i'm also worried about the 3D art class, i've only taken one other art class in high school and the only reason i got an A was b.c my teacher was hippie- down with the institution of rules, etc. and as long as i gave some bullshit explanation of the meaning behind my work i'd get a good grade. but i have a big feeling i'm gonna have to actually put effort into my assignments with this class...it's just hard for me to be creative on a deadline. idk..we'll see how it goes.

anyways, bree, gianni and i went to soul sessions last night. i love love love spoken word. it always makes me wish i could write poetry. there was one artist there named truespeech who was definitely my favorite, but i can't find him anywhere.

i go back to good ol' mizzou in about two weeks. as much as i bitch about the school sometimes i'm excited to see the lovely campus again. the house i'll be living in will give me new scenery as opposed to where my dorm was last year. i'm also excited about living in the house. there's only going to be 26 of us, two people to a bathroom, we have our own laundry room and there's two kitchens. guess i'm also excited because i won't be in a dorm.

might get to wear my new dress this weekend!! as much as i whine about not having enough clothes, i'm not a big shopper. mostly because it's hard for me to spend $ on clothes..very picky about prices especially when money is tight. BUT this dress is bad if i do say so myself, i've been giving myself pats on the back since i bought it lol. so excited to go dancing in it!

that's all for now i guess...back to harry potter 2

and so it was written

here's the game plan: move to nyc next sept. hopefully i'll have a friend with me (started getting katie's thinking wheels turning today after i jokingly but in all seriousness asked her to move with me..i think it worked because she started looking at apts in chelsea and greenwich village on craigslist..yay!) that being said my plan is to work 2 jobs (possibly 3 if i can make it work) from the time i graduate until sept. which means the whole internship will be put on hold...getting out of the hellhole that is kansas city (and i use the word hellhole in the nicest way) so there's that. lord help me.

i was gonna talk about p, but my brain is tired so i'm not.

i keep meaning to download janelle monae's new stuff, but i keep forgetting.

and i'm almost out of my burberry brit perfume..sadness.

i think i'm just talking to talk...or type? hmm.

bring it down a notch please

wow last night was bad for my emotions...thanks non existent alcohol limit. on the outside i was totally fine, but the animated in my head lizzie mcguire me was tipping over filing cabinets and kicking over office coolers hulk style..(yes the inside of my mind is an office setting...not sure why) thank goodness twitter got the majority of my drunken rage.(not counting the previous post which was drunkenly typed)...it was baaaad. BUT! only shed a few tears..go me!!! it could've been worse, i could've been spilling my guts to my friends while out at some club all sloppy drunk like...at least last night i was in the comfort of my own home with my computer...which thinking about about it the latter is probably worse, but whatever. i still have a lot of pent up emotion since i never express how i truly feel...guess i'm saving it all up for when i can actually afford to go to a therapist.

In other news, decided that I’m going to buy myself a macbook for graduation this December. I’ve wanted one for the longest time (years) and I was considering pooling together whatever xmas and graduation $$ I get, but I really want this and it would mean a lot more to me if I bought it on my own. SO between paying off these school bills and saving for new laptop things are going to be pretty tight..i need a job sooo bad. Fingers crossed I get one.

Excited to go back…mostly because I need to get out of this house..fast. I’m also excited because it’s my last semester! Then time to start a new chapter in my life. I can’t wait.

FTS

stands for fuck that shit. fuck falling in love.

yes i said it.

yes i'm drunk. idontgiveafuck.

title

so these 2 videos are among the very very small record of my trip to see p in stl. (well besides my pictures & video of the fireworks we watched on 4th of july, btw who knew watching fireworks could be romantic? well they are unfortunately...stupid fireworks) i'll admit that i shed my normal "saying goodbye" tears on the train, i also cried because i regretted not taking any pictures..and because i was so cold towards him the day i left as a result of getting my feelings hurt the night before. once the train pulled out of the station (which almost left WITH him because he sat with me on the train for a few minutes to say goodbye) the tears started flowing. i was angry with myself for being so bitter and wished i had taken pictures. it wasn't until about 45 mins later, after i got a hold of myself, that i realized that i had every right to be angry with him and even though i had been super distant, it was one of the few times in the years i've known him that i expressed how i truly felt. even though a little drama occurred, overall i had such a fun time and i don't regret going regardless of what happened.

so to make a long story short, here are two videos of p that basically sum him up. i love it, they make me laugh every time...and i'm putting them on here even though i know he'd kill me....

purple has always been my favorite color

chicago pictures are still on their way....actually to be honest they might just not come at all..which is fine since they're all up on fb already. even though i probably should just put them on here anyway since it's a lot easier than the grief fb put me through...we'll see.

in other news, went on a little shopping trip with katie, a good friend from high school. we had a nice little chat about grad school. told her about my anxiety attack/nervous breakdown. good to know i'm the only one worried about it. then she asked me a question that since i decided what i wanted to study, i've never asked myself, "have you considered taking time off before going to grad school?" idk why, but ever since i figured out that i want to study curatorial studies, that question never crossed my mind. and the more and more i think about it, it sounds like a good idea. still pondering it..

found a cute cute dress for tonight's festivities with bree and kalisha. of course after squeezing into 6 other dresses...i came to the conclusion that i must wear a size XL in forever 21 dresses and not L anymore. which i don't mind, it just sucks realizing that in the dressing room...after i ripped part of the seam on one dress.oops. ended up with an adorable cream smock type dress that goes to about my knees..so excited to wear it.

now i'll admit i personally don't believe in love at first sight...or at least i didn't until we were walking through nordstrom's on our way out:

isn't it GORGEOUS?! i literally stopped dead in my tracks. and i'll admit i'm not one of those girls that follows designers or knows a lot about their collections, but this marc jacobs purse is the bees knees!! i almost cried when i looked at the price $500 :(( if it had been about $450 cheaper i would've spent every dime i had in my wallet to buy it. it makes my heart go pitter patter lol.

tuesday my sperry's from chicago came in:

it's hard to tell, but the patten leather part of the shoe is purple and the plaid is purple/lavender. these stopped me dead in my tracks too. not only did i get them on sale for $30 below the original price, but i got free shipping too!! i've worn them everywhere with everything!

have mentioned how excited i am for the part 1 of the 7th harry potter movie? i am. super super excited! daniel radcliffe looks sooo good now that he's grown out of his awkward teenager "i look like harry potter even when i'm not in costume" phase. can't wait!!

guess that's all for now

happy birfday to me...and all that jazz

i've been seriously putting off this post for the longest time...laziness i guess.

anyways, where do i start? i guess chicago is a good place

last week my sister and i joined my mumsie in the windy city for about 5 days. it was sooo nice! granted my sister and i got on each other nerves, but i loved loved LOVED the city! it was a real city..i loved crossing the street against traffic, i loved all the people everywhere, i loved the constant honking. the thought of living in a big city (chicago may not seem big, but i've lived in kansas city all my life) used to always scare me...actually going to one made me so excited to move. unfortunately the connection i thought i was going to feel at the grad school at SAIC never happened. idk if it was because the tour was 16 hours long or because my sister was annoying me, but i just did not feel it. which i guess could be a good thing so i don't have to waste $ applying there. chicago pictures coming soon...probably...hopefully

so after chicago came my birthday (sunday august 1st) . i was pretty lowkey about it, 22 isn't that big of deal to me. yes i should be thankful i lived another year..i am..buut i still wasn't that excited..idk. ended up spending about 9 hours of it on a train back home..which wasn't bad. so glad i brought the harry potter book to read again and spent a week downloading movies. i surprisingly got some good sleep too. had good conversations with p while in chicago and on the train...he's still special to me even if we are just friends.

so back in kansas city...unfortunately. i'm so sick of volunteering...all i do is sit at the visiter's desk, try not to fall asleep and tell grown ass people who don't know how to read signs that food and liquid is not allowed in the museum. *sigh* i have to keep talking myself down from the ledge when i freak out about not doing an internship and how even though the experience would've been nice, it's not going to ruin my life. i definitely had a nervous breakdown about grad school last and almost cried until p calmed me down. it's just that i'm so worried that i don't have enough experience to put on my cv and i won't get into grad school. but then i made the executive decision that if i don't get into grad school i'm still going to move away. i'm keeping the destination a secret unti the time comes to make that decision. but i'm definitely definitely moving away next august...or possibly next may/june...we'll see.

what else is new?

bought new sperry's while in chi city. purple plaid..so cute.. and so me. still working on getting a pair of toms..even though they're about $30 more than i'd like to pay for them and they look goofy on my feet..but details details.

so ready for school to start...can't believe it's my last semester..kind of freaky.

guess that's all for now...

make me feel like a woman!

oh shania.


anyways, i must say that being a woman is hard! what i thought was my usual random bout of depression was just pms. (thank gooseness!!) it was really bad there for a few days. i also must say i'm thankful for cramps. and there's only one reason an active girl prays for cramps, but i won't get into that lol.

so super excited for chicago!!! i have a big feeling i'm going to love it and want to move there. i'm excited because my sister and i are flying by ourselves which should be interesting..and fun of course...but mostly interesting.

have i mentioned being broke blows? well it does. i hate it!

checked out the last harry potter book today for the train ride home..so excited to read it! i read a little of it today, but had to stop myself.

guess that's all.

la la la

want some cheese with that whine?

sometimes (i'm using that word in the loosest terms) i feel bad when i get all complainy about my life. like now for instance. i'm really hoping chicago and get me out of my slump (i think that's the word i want...i've been typing this post in my head all day and of course when i sit down to write it out i forget what i want to say). i hate being in my slump because i'm irritable and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. and i'm pissed at the same time. i wish i was one of those girls that cussed the people she is mad at over the phone. i know that would feel so good right about now. but i'm not.


..stupid slump.


had a big mac today...the crazy bout of itis i got after i ate it was totally worth it. and my mom sister and bree and i are going to see dreamgirls tonight. so excited. (i keep telling myself i'm excited so maybe i will get excited because i wasn't crazy about the movie but maybe the musical will be better..i just said yes because the tickets were free)

naptime

weirdo

a few weeks ago i randomly asked my mom if she ever thanks heaven for her not coming out as a conjoined twin...the look she gave me was priceless. of course she laughed and said no, then i went on to explain that on a semi regular basis i thank the lord i didn't come out that way. pretty sure she thinks i'm weird now, but it was pretty funny at the time. for some reason i just thought of that and it made me smile.

annoyed

i want to officially make an ademdum (i have no idea how to spell that word, i just really like the way it sounds) to my post about my stl trip. i'm retracting my "i felt loved" statement. it's a long story i don't want to get into i've had weeks to think about it and i'm taking it out.

anyways. i hate hate hate feeling annoyed...it's so aggrevating. and a waste of time. right now i'm currently very annoyed and the problem is that i can only blame myself. yes my annoyance stems from other people and their bullshit, but it's not like i haven't seen it before..i should know by now. you'd think i'd learn my lesson by now but of course i haven't. there's an episode of sex and the city (yes i'm referencing this show) in which carrie goes through another heartbreak with big. she comes to the conclusion that maybe she is a masachist (once again idk if i spelled that right and i'm too lazy for spell check) because even though she knows big is going to hurt her she keeps going back to him. it's crazy. life is crazy sometimes...or in my case all the time.


on a lighter note, i started studying for the gre today..it's pretty intimidating. but i know if i keep working at it and stay diligent when it comes to studying for it, i can do well. i cannot cannot get lazy about this test. i need a pretty good score to offset my shitty gpa...we shall see.

also, new episode of psych tonight. i love love that show...it's still hilarious.

i don't really have much else to say..wish i had more happy things to talk about it lol.

forgive me father for i have i sinned

attending catholic school for 7 out of the 21 3/4 years of my life that phrase was nothing new to me, even though thank gooseness i'm not catholic so i got to sit twiddle my thumbs and daydream while my fellow classmates participated in confession

anywayss, moving on to my original point, i admit that self doubt will probably be my downfall..but only if i allow it. i'd consider myself the be pretty confident with relatively high self esteem...but when it comes to academic self esteem i definitely need to work on that. i have tendency to compare myself to more successful peers and put myself down. this really kicked into high gear yesterday when i discovered that columbia university has a master's program in contemporary art curatorial studies. i'm definitely going to apply...just worried about getting in, but my good friend maureen is my designated talk me down from the ledge in terms of my academic future. thank goodness for her.

just started getting into bravo's work of art...i'll admit i bitched about it when i first found out it was coming out, but after watching it, it's sooo good!! i admire the artists on the show for being able to create awesome pieces of art on the spot like that. so cool.

so i'm super broke at the moment. so broke i don't have $ for gas which means i'm basically on lockdown until my parents get back in town. bree is so nice, she really wants to go out tonight and is willing to spot me so i can go out too. she is truly truly my best friend, i would do anything for that girl i swear.

random sidenote: gilmore girls is such an awesome show!! despite the fact that there were basically zero black people in it, it's a pretty fun show..i remember i used to watch it all the time when it was on tv for real and not syndication.

guess that's it on the rambling

kill or be killed

there's some stupid saying that goes "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". bullshit. i think.



i go back and forth on how i feel about that quote...there are days i agree with it (usually after some repeat epiphany or life lesson learned) and other times i think it's complete crap, just like "everything happens for a reason" and blah blah. thinking back on my recent and past heartache, i should have a fucking heart of steel.



but alas i don't. which is fine...although that would be pretty cool..an anatomically correct shaped heart made of steel, but i digress. i've been trying to look at this whole spilling my guts blowing up in my face situation from the glass half full view..and i have seen some positive light (thanks in part to bree calming me down) what i really need is space. i love having space away...it's so relieving and helps me take control and regroup my emotions.



life lesson learned: don't hold on to someone who is so willing to let you go. tough but true.

and i'll never forget what my 5th grade teacher mr. johnson told us which has seriously stuck with which is that the truth hurts. lord knows thats the truth! and i have definitely been learning that lately.



in other news:

chicago in a couple weeks. super super excited!



guess that's all...past my new bedtime.

"things have been so crazy and hectic"

spent 5 days in stl visiting p.

had an AMAZING time.

cried after i spilled my guts, because i hate sharing/expressing my feelings.

smoked cigarettes.

laughed A LOT.

became addicted to breaking bad.

got gobs of sweet hugs.

had really good conversations.

felt loved.

cried on the train ride home.



overall i'd give the trip A++++++ so glad i went...

meet me in st. louie

it's official i'm going to see p in st. louis next week for a total of 4 days!!!!! i'm soooo excited!!



ok..that's all...

i was only trying to get ahead

oh drake...i feel kind of bad, because i prefer boyfriend-like-singing drake much more than celebrity-rapper drake. idk...i like him as a rapper, i think he's really good, but his singing ismuch more appealing to me. i think it's also because it wasn't his mixtape that made me like him, but his interviews and all that jazz instead. regardless, i really like his album (probably mostlybecause he's singing on it) i still can't believe it's jimmy from degrassi!! yes i should bepast that by now, but it's so crazy to me

(via) (via)

antyways, a few days ago i watched this really cool documentary on pbs about the paris opera ballet...*sigh* all my life i've wanted to be a ballerina..clearly that didn't happen..but it was so cool to see the dancers practice, especially without any music. there were many times where the instructor would have them do whatever piece they were rehearsing and at the end give comments on certain parts and the dancers could start from any part of the dance and go through it. one couple did their routine 4 times in a row without stopping!! i have so much respect for dancers.

(via) (via)

(via)

so proud of myself, i asked for a second day to volunteer at the nerman museum, and now i'm going to get to assist with the children's classes. i had so much fun doing that yesterday, especially helping on the tour. what the kids had to say about the artwork was so fun to listen to. it's the closest thing to teaching i could actually handle doing. i also talked to the director of the gallery at the bruce r. watkins cultural center and i'll be starting there soon, giving tours and gallery sitting and such. super super excited for that!!

i also have been doing a lot of thinking about grad school and now i think i'm back to going ahead and putting it for a year to get more experience...idk. it's still up in the air..it's not like i've applied yet.

idk what else to talk about...my secret mission plans are falling into place, which is nice. (i don't want to talk too much about it so i don't jinx myself)

trying to go back to doing the whole more pictures thing...i tried with this post even though none of the pictures are mine..womp womp.

but i swear the wedding pictures are coming up soon...i'm so lazy. i put them up on fb earlier this week and lord knows it's harder there than it is on blogger..oh well.

hey there crazy lady/oh for fucks sake

i couldn't decide on a title so i chose both..geez that's sad.

i know this is going to come out really REALLY bad when i type it out, but i do things that really make me question my sanity..for instance humming outloud at elevated volumes which i don't realize i do until a passerby gives me a quizzical look (who i sounded halfway intelligent just then) or have ten minute conversations with myself which i don't realize took place until i notice i just walked halfway across campus. i'm now adding to the list my newly acquired british accent which my thinking voice now speaks in for some strange reason. (i almost said my inside my head voice, but that really does make me sound crazy) idk if it's a result of the gross # of hours i've spent watching poirot or what but it's really weird.


once again my mom has put her nonexistent medical degree to good use and diagnosed me as having diabetes because i was drinking a lot of water today..normally this woman has to tie me down to drink more than 3 glasses a day now i have diabetes?! parents are crazy i swear.


was seriously considering reading the book ulysses because of all the hubbub surrounding the ulysses comic, ipad censors and a small peen shown in the comic....but then i read what it was about and passed...that wasn't rude was it?

speaking of rude i told my mom that my brother should stick to playing soccer come high school and such b.c another black kid playing bball with hopes of going to the nba was such a cliche..then i realized that was sooo rude to say lol. ohwells


i really need to find something to do with my life, b.c my fb stalking is at an all time high. the only reason i befriend some ppl from hs is to check out their page and see what they've been doing with their life, but sometimes i become jealous at their educational endeavors. never fails.

i've been craving some arrested development like crazy....here's to hoping internet tv works this time.

foodie patootie

made some cinnamon sugar toast just now. i had every intention of taking a picture of my great delicious homemade creation, but i forgot and when i remembered i had already eaten both pieces (of course lol) tres tres deliciouso

tis all...how sad a whole post on toast lol

oh you know

i love the feeling of freshly shaved legs in between bedsheets...they feel so cool (the temperature) my legs are so smooooth. shaving in the bathtub is so so much easy than in the shower

started hanging out with old high school friends katie and julie again...fun times have definitely been had

also, my cousin jessica's wedding was yesterday..pictures to come soon

every now and then i tell myself that one day i'm going to randomly tell p that i still love him or whatever it is i feel for him just to screw with his head, BUT then i realized it would most likely backfire in my face. womp womp. whatever.

a couple of days ago my dad and i went to the WW1 museum/memorial here in kc (which btw is one of only a few WW1 museums in the country!) it was sooo cool all the things the artifacts they had: uniforms, canons, guns, personal objects, posters, cars, all that stuff...FROM WW1!!! it amazed me how good condition everything was in. the museum was well layed out just enough textual information, but not too much to put me to sleep..just the way i like it. overall it was really good, and i had a fun time with my dad...i'm glad he's into history and stuff like i am.

this guy right here:

mr. theophilus london

he's a pretty awesome guy, i can't turn his mixtape off!! he's soo good! every song sounds different...literally. one song is straight hip hop, then he goes to funk to techno to punk rock. i love it.

check him out:

http://www.myspace.com/theophiluslondon

(pictures from myspace)

http://theophiluslondon.wordpress.com/

can't think of anything else to say...back to this awesome episode of poirot!

i don't give a flying fuck or a rat's ass

idk who this person is that i've become, but i'm really digging her.

as i've previously mentioned on numerous occasions for a very long period in my life i had the lowest of low self esteem. it was during this time that i would drive myself bonkers worrying about what other people thought about me. and i would dress, act, talk etc. accordingly. but the last year or two that has definitely been shed. at this current moment in time i could really give a fuck what people think of me. yes i'm going to be 22 years old living in the dorms my last semester. and? yes my mom's mini van might be my mode of transportation while i finish up at school. so? yes sometimes i dress myself as if i got dressed in the dark. i don't fucking care.

i'm happy with the person i am. for the first time in my life i don't think about changing myself to impress a guy. what you see is what you get. oh, you don't like whatever about me? cool there's the door. whatever.

idk if this has a point or not (i'm actually not sure where this rant came from in the first place) but long story short i don't care. i love me...is what i'm trying to say..long story short.

on another note, i would never admit this to my sister who is THE biggest Drake fan in the universe, but he could TOTALLY get it! it's weird, because i read magazine interviews with him before i actually listened to his music (other than the songs he had out on the radio) and that's what made me a fan. also his singing is more appealing to me than his rap persona.i told my sister he doesn't have that great of a singing voice, but it's like your bf singing to you when drake sings..idk...i'm weird like that.

working on getting a brown or black stud for my nose since the whole plastic stud thing didn't work out last weekend. we shall see.

geez i'm tired..time for bed i guess.

happiness

one thing i really like about my life, is that somehow i've managed to be happy without a stimulus (i think i used that word correctly) nowdays (the last year or so) i can be happy without having fun with my friends, spending time with my family, listening to music, etc. granted those things DO make me happy, but i can now be happy on my own. for instance i'm sitting here on my bed on the computer doing absolutely nothing special and i can say i'm genuinely happy. such a good place to be in. i love it.

finally! heyzeus kreestow!

i seriously have 5 mfing other posts started...i swear i'm going to finish this one...might as well since i'm sitting here half watching transformers 2 (thanks little brother for falling asleep on me)


sometimes i think p knows that he can EASILY get me all kinds of fucked up in the emotion department...i bet he knows. ugh. this man i swear. i love him i do. if we had the opportunity to get back together would i do it? probably. not even gonna lie. yes we had some serious fuck ups during our relationship, but distance was the reason it ended, AND he does always (always = the random times he's mentioned it) say that if we lived in the same city he'd definitely still want to be in a relationship soooo why not?! but one thing i wonder is: is it bad that after a long time of not talking to him i don't get all lovey mushy whatever? it's during that time that i'm fully in reality: sydney he probably doesn't feel the same way you do. sydney you guys had your time let it go. sydney get the fuck over it. whatever. i'm still digging the random conversations.

went to the mall with bree and kalisha tonight...hurt my heart to walk into forever 21 and actually see a ton of stuff i liked but not have any $$..i like that store, but that never happens. it always takes me forever to find something worth buying.

i may or may not have been eating 5-7 cinnamon rolls in a row..in one day..in one sitting lately. it's soo bad. my mom keeps reminding me that it was after college that she really started to gain weight that she couldn't lose...i always want to say "well it's a good thing i'm still in school isn't it?" but i'm not dumb, i dont want to get smacked lol.

volunteer orientation at nelson atkins tomorrow morning..excitement!! i'm hoping to meet some younger people. guess that be all.

oh yea got a pedicure yesterday...my toes look soo good!! i was happy.

punch drunk love

tonight i came to the conclusion that there is a difference between drunk love and sober love (thank you alcohol for your help)

drunk love makes you all happy and giddy as if it's ok to love the person you love regardless if it's ok. drunk love also makes you smile from ear to ear and want to hug the object of your affection as if you're never going to see them again.

personally i love those kind of hugs...the never ending i love you hugs.


sober love on the other hand is complete opposite. sober love is controlled by your brain (for the most part) and it keeps quiet..it stays a secret on the tip of your tongue. sober love is definitely not as carefree as drunk love.










i have got to quit blogging while under the influence. i should have kept ALLLLL my mistakes in for a good laugh.

sho nuff

soo i was on twitter earlier and someone i follow had tweeted about shopping for grad schools, which reminded me that i need to go back to working on my personal statement which i thought that i could rewrite and start with "i like art" and go from there, because it's the most obvious statement. that made me laugh to myself and i'll explain why.

a couple of semesters ago i took a 18th century european art class which happened to be writing intensive. Our first paper was an analysis on Delacroix's painting The Death of Hector. For some reason it me for freaking ever to start it. then i realized i should start with the most obvious and work my way up (down? more specific?) so all i wrote was "Hector is dead". i just about died laughing...i can't explain why i thought it was so funny, but i did. SOO to make a long story short when i thought about starting my personal statement so simply i thought of my art history paper.
my life is so sad lol.

oh speaking of art history papers, i really want to read my rococo paper to someone...it's sooo unbelievably good!!! i would read it to my little brother, but it's about sex. i might be able to convince p to listen to it....it would take a lot of convincing lol.

antyways, i felt so bad and unamerican, because i was watching obama's lastest speech about the oil spill in the gulf aaannnd i definitely fell asleep lol. oh wells.

guess that's all for now.

woke up early not tired

here are some pitchas from the past few weeks (definitely in random order):

chatoyya, angelica the graduate, and moi

sean and angelica...lol

angelica and ryan...how cuuute

chiffonte, me, angelica

(my neck looks so awkward)

chatoyya and me..think i'm gonna

just stop saying that because it's

obvious which one is me in these

pictures lol

brianna!

lol angelica was trying to take my phone

away from me, because i was

drunk texting

love my friend! lol

ginger in the yard lol

the little brother

sidewalk chalking

we didn't last very long, it was soo hot outside

almost put up a picture of p and i....theeen changed my mind...that's probably not a good idea.

looks like it's going to be another lazy day.

love this song