sha la la la

doing much much better today.

going to work on lowering the level of my freakouts. it's ok to freakout, but i think i need to take it down a notch or two. ..going to add that to my "how to be a real adult" list lol.

finally downloaded lily frost's song "you've shaken every part of me" my number of chances to listen to it on yahoo music have decreased drastically over the past few weeks. and after scouring youtube thousands of times i still can't find it so i decided to go to good 'ol reliable itunes. it's really gross how long i can keep this song on repeat..definitely one of my favorites, it's so calming...

just realized how janis joplin makes amazing study music (i think that makes sense) forgot she was on my ipod while i was studying and thought i'd give her a try since i haven't listened to her in awhile. great just great, i forget how awesome she is (was?) such a badass singer.

ok brain fart: i'm also going to work on not eating at the computer...i type that with a half eaten cherry slice sitting on my keyboard lol. but i'm for real!! sort of...i figure it probably won't happen, but maybe if i write it out it'll help....we'll see.

my little brother turned 10 yesterday...i feel SOOOO old. i still remember exactly what my dad said to my sister and i when he broke the news (not gonna lie, i was really disgusted before i was happy) he's getting so tall too!! i have to give him side hugs, because when i hug him frontally(?) his face smashes smack dab into my boobs..kinda awkward lol.

i really need to turn this song off lol....11 times played so far.. as i type this and i downloaded it about an hour ago lol.

guess i'll get back to this 10 page rococo paper...i have 5 pages so far and still a lot of info to write about so it won't be too difficult ( i say that now) i will admit i'm proud of myself for starting it early..sort of...it's not due until monday, but 5 pages already? go me!

ok for real going to work...12 plays lol.

i don't like being weepy.

i want to spill my guts so badly.

fuck

last night. bad and good.

where do i start??

yesterday day was ok...skipped my last class of the semester to go to senior sendoff day. (seniors walk back thru the columns to symbolize us leaving mizzou and going into the real world, then they give us beer and try to get us to join the alumni association. whatever.) even though i'm not graduating until december i still went...only b.c i friends were there. it's events like this that remind me how much i don't look my age...i feel like i still look 18. it's cool.

ended up getting drinks with chatoyya angelica and ryan. i had every intention of staying in and working on finals' stuff but this white chick was acting out. getting ready is where things went downhill. i saw pictures of myself from senior sendoff...i did not look good at all. apparently this whole mascara only/"au naturale" look i've been going for for the past month or two hasn't been working out...at all. then none of my clothes fit right, i looked super frumpy and when i attempted to put on makeup it didn't turn out so well. i so upset, i this close to bailing on going out and sitting on my floor in my underwear balling my eyes out.

but i was i a big girl, sucked it up and went out anyways...then of course when i told chatoyya what happened i got a little teary eyed. as i've mentioned before on here i'm a pretty happy person overall, i like my body even though we don't always get along, but something about last night made me get so emotional. i haven't felt that bad about myself in so long. chatoyya gave me a pep talk which cheered me up. unfortunately that's not where the bad ended.

it never fails, whenever i drink an ounce of alcohol whatever feelings i have for my ex come out. always. ALWAYS. he came up in conversation and drunk sydney jumped at the chance to talk about him. drunk sydney also admitted that a small part of my heart still belongs to him. idk what this feeling is. i'll admit he has said and done some pretty mean shit over the past couple of years. and yet i still get sad when he doesn't respond to my texts, go to him for comfort when i'm feeling down, i stopped following him on twitter 3 separate times, i hid him from my facebook newsfeed,i can only look at his page when i'm drunk, i try to be a good friend and listen to his dating woes which is a big step for me because i can finally do so without wanting to throw up and/or throw my phone against the wall, we still tell each other "i miss you" and "i was thinking about you", i have yet to find anyone who i have such strong chemistry with the way i do with him. basically it's one big emotional clusterfuck. we broke up almost 2 years ago so why do i still have "feelings" or whatever for this man?! it's fucked up i know...i've acknowledged it. but for some reason i can't let go. we've gone weeks without communicating and i've been perfectly content. and yet these feelings still exist. of course i would never tell him any of this, because i'm incapable of telling people how i feel.....whatever...not really just whatever. but whatever.

once again not the end of the bad.

i've written before about my heart condition. i haven't had heart palpitations in long time, but for some reason they've been bad this week. had one in class on tuesday that took me by such surprise i literally clutched my chest. but anyways so idk it was because of the alcohol but i got two last night. the second one happened after i had gotten home, the rapid heartbeat hurt so bad i started crying...then i wondered if it was the real reason i was crying..probably not but it's easier to blame it on my heart. i also think being drunk didn't make things better...but it was scary, because it lasted longer than usual.

so yea i've had better nights.

back to stale saltines, nursing my hangover and old episodes of fresh prince

hoping today will be better.

cool thing of the week/and last

i know it's only monday, but i bought this awesome wallet/clutch type thing from the anthropology museum on campus. the museum sells handmade, fair trade goods from all over the world. i was deciding between the clutch and a really cool necklace from Kenya, but i remembered i barely wear jewelry so the clutch it was:

it looks blue, but the top flap is really deep

purple

i can't remember what country it was made in,

i want to say it's from a country

in either central or south america

it's so great...and i thought

it was perfect for the summer

i discovered these chips last week (so i guess they would be cool thing of last week) and they're SOOOO good! definitely my favorite sunchips flavor. i love the tangy kick they have

yes that is my horrible looking veiny food

had such a nice visit with my grandma, mom and little brother....i love that little guy so so much. he'll be 10 on thursday i can't believe it!

my room looks so bare without all the stuff and clothes they took back home with them. i'm so happy.

my poor suitemate...i've been singing at the top of my lungs lately...and i know i sound bad.

i had more to say earlier...oh wells probably for the best, tonight i have to read the last 5 chapters of my capstone book and write a short paper on each chapter all due tomorrow morning. it's my own fault i did absolutely no schoolwork shit this weekend.

but i think i'll watch will forte's women herstory month song video again lol

take me on a trip i'd like to go someday

so here i am packing my shit up, getting things ready for my mom, gma and brother when they come down tomorrow (today?) and get some of my crap. but antyways, so i'm going through my all purpose purple plastic tub (all purpose meaning it holds random crap) and i found this:

the infamous, flashback inducing memory box

it's not that i'm surprised it was in there..it's been there since i moved into my dorm last august..i really shouldn't have packed it but that's another story for another day. i guess it took me by surprise because i realized i haven't looked in it quite..quite some time. it amazes me that besides facebook pictures, saved emails, one simple "wooden" $13 hobby lobby box can hold memories of a person i once held so dear to my heart. i guess i still do but at the time i got the box it meant so much more. idk..i can't bear to part with it yet...ex lovah still means a lot to me.

but i digress.

my non doodling kick has been spurred by my whole "i'm going to be an adult" campaign...which hasn't been exactly going well either. adults don't clean their face with astringent to avoid actually washing it and they don't stick their head under the sink faucet to "rinse" their hair to avoid taking a shower. now i know i sound super dirty but i do shower everyday...except for today when i layed in bed all today and only left to get food but needed to wet my hair because it looked crazy. but the astringent thing may happen pretty often...my face still gets clean!..just probably not as clean as it would if i actually washed with face soap and a washcloth....i do that a few times a week...the rest of the time i do wash my face..scouts' honor. also adults don't use windex as an all purpose cleaner...it totally acts as one but i think real adults use different products...i don't think the eating in bed thing is going to change anytime soon..oh wells.

can't wait to go home...going to eat fettuccine noodles and fresh parmesean every day. and i can't wait to see bree..and spend time with my brandon boo...and my gingybread. excitement!

guess that's all

it's funny the realizations you come to at 6am after sobering up from 2 hours of drunken sleep.


ok not really funny...i guess it's more interesting...

idk

be all that i can be

i mentioned..to another person...another LIVE human being..in conversation that gary sinise narrating these army commercials make me want to join. i know i know that's so bad. i don't want to join for real for real, but they're a lot more convincing with his voice in the background...he's just so cool!

sometimes i should keep my thoughts to myself i think lol.

may or may not have made a 1:30am run to the campus market store for cherry slices...

it's so bad. BUT i paid in cash and it's only a minute walk from my dorm (i kept telling myself that to justify the trip & purchase lol) i get some SERIOUS candy cravings. serious. for the longest time my mom thought i had diabetes because when i crave candy i HAVE to have it. (she doesn't like to be reminded she doesn't have a medical degree). i must say they were definitely worth it.

more doodles:

i was really hungry...this is what i thought

my stomach looked like

don't ask

herakles (or hercules..i like the greek spelling

better) i forgot his lion cape so i drew

the lion before herakles kills him

clearly my whole "no more doodling" kick didn't last very long...i guess it doesn't help we've been listening to presentations. 3/4 of my art history classes have been doing presentations for the past lord knows how many weeks...it's PAINFUL with a capital stab myself in the eye to get out of class. i'm so sick of art history it's crazy. i guess that's what 1 week of class left in the semester will do to you.

random sidenote: my dreams have been super crazy lately. weirdly crazy.

my best guy friend and i have had some really good conversations surrounding the new boy situation lately. (things aren't going as planned) i love getting things from a guy perspective. mainly the truth. i must say i hate being bullshitted, treated like i have "naive" written on my forehead and played to the left which is EXACTLY what's been going on lately. whatever.

two things to end on a happy note with:

1. got a FREE copy of homer's odyssey from the craft studio...yay for free books!!

2. i am way pumped for this movie. love will forte and these skits on snl were always some of my favorites...and kristen wiig?! yes. lol