excuse me

ok you can come back anytime now..

disturbia

blech.

right now I'm supposed to be working on a paper for my French civilization class which I also have to present to my teacher tomorrow (technically today i guess) and clearly I'm not. I also have Rihanna's "Disturbia" stuck in my head (hence the title). I only know bits and pieces of the chorus. anyways, so I've been single since about last May and i go back and forth with wanting a relationship and staying single for awhile. Right now I'm in my "i do what i want, I'm happy being by myself blah blah" single stage. Basically the stage where I'm not bitter towards couples and love and all that jazz; and at the same time happy and ok that I'm single. Which brings me to the main reason for this entry. Last summer after my ex and I broke up, I wasn't really looking for anything (mainly because we had been together for quite some time and the break up was kind of hard to deal with) so i was in my "loving being single" state of mind. Idk what it is, but I got hit on more times during the summer then I have in awhile. I feel like guys know when i want a bf and when I don't. When I'm sad and lonely no one is to be found, but as soon as I embrace my singlehood/dom they all want to come out of the woodwork. The same thing happened tonight. some guy who I've never spoken to in my entire life had the nerve to ask me if he could call me, even after I said I didn't have a bf and that i wanted to just enjoy being single right now. What is it with some guys? UGh!!! whatevs though. I have bigger things to worry about....like getting my csi: ny/miami fix on. dang internet!

cleaned my room today...it must have been pretty bad, because it smelled even after I took out the trash...not a good sign. I'm surprised some weird kind of Gollum-like creature didn't pop out.

dreading going to class tomorrow. I layed in bed til 4pm today...it was so nice. just 5 more days til I can lay on the couch all day in my pajamas with my dog watching tv. I'm really anxious to get my heart tattoo. Still trying to figure out where to get it...but i definitely am getting a tiny heart. But not the fancy designed kind...just a simple heart, outlined in black, shaded with red. I'm thinking the same shape heart that comes in the Shapes tool in the Paint application for computers. just something simple and small. ..maybe sleeping for most of the day was a bad idea, now i don't want to go to sleep and I can't stop typing. dangit! just realized my csi: miami episode could've been loading this whole time.

a part of me wishes Obama wasn't so attractive, because the main reason i watch his tv appearances is because he's sooo good looking!! which makes me feel bad (this doesn't count towards his address to congress, i genuinely watched that for political purposes....ok 60% political 40% to oogle him..and Michelle). for instance today..yesterday? he had a sit down with the president of Brazil. I watched until my boredom overtook my lust (total viewing time: 10 mins max) he's just too good looking for his own good....wow that sounded creepy and disgusting. That's probably my cue to just end this.

you're magnetized!!!!

so I have the tendency when I eat something and I really really like it, to say that I could live off of it for the rest of my life. and being the person that I am, that list is pretty long. But I'd have to say that I could definitely definitely for sure live off of noodles with butter and parmasean cheese......it's soooooo good!!! but any who. I can't wait to go home for spring break and see my family. i didn't think I would miss them so much, but I do. I really really miss my little brother. and my puppy dog.

(I couldn't decide which picture I liked the most)

she's soo cute!

Anyways I'm watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" and I love this movie the more and more I watch it....this is only the second I've watched it, but I still really like it...Diane Lane is awesome!!! I'm always for the movies with women being independent and man-free and all that jazz.

the end, off to make buttered noodles and parmasean cheese.

to whom it may concern

dear sir,

i miss you so much....and what sucks the most is that i can't have you back. i can still feel your hugs after all this time. at night when i'm laying in bed, if i close my eyes real tight, i can feel you next me. this is the worst feeling ever. i've tried on so many occasions to rid myself of my feelings for you and i have yet to achieve it. for some reason my heart just can't let go....it's still missing the piece you took with you. a part of me still regrets not getting a proper goodbye after our last visit......but the other part of me isn't ready to say goodbye....most of the time i'm at my wit's end over here trying to bury these feelings and put on a happy face and pretend that i really do only see you as a friend. it's so hard. i really don't know what i was trying to say to this...i guess just that i miss you......


love sydney

the truth hurts

jeez. I miss my kingstonbear so much.....I finally admitted to myself that I still love him..which was really hard to do. I never told him my favorite memories of him....I can never muster up enough courage to do so for some reason. A little while back I bought him a gorgeous card made by Papyrus paper company. It has gold leaf on it and the envelope is gold. I got it for his birthday even though it's not til March. I don't even want to say "happy birthday", as soon as I bought it, all I wanted to write was "You'll always have my heart". But as usual the courage hasn't built up yet......I might not ever tell him that I still love him...a part of me is scared he doesn't feel the same and I don't want to screw up our friendship. But it's on the tip of my tongue. All I want is for him to grab me, give me one of his passionate kisses like he used to and tell me he loves me. Even if we only remain friends for the rest of our lives. Those 3 words can be fatal.

But even though I feel this way, I also wonder is this really love that I'm feeling for him. I don't think I ever stopped loving him...I think there was a time when I just put it away for the sake of my sanity. what makes this really hard are the memories, good and bad. the good ones make me sad and want to be with him. but the bad ones make me think that we had our run and that was that. (especially infidelity). It's hard, because we've always had such great chemistry with one another. There's never been a dull moment or awkward silence. I won't pretend we didn't have our rough patches and hurt feelings, but when it's all said and done, we matched and complimented each other so well. It was so easy. He knew me so well...and still does...


ugh...he'd probably freak out if I told him all this....I know it's not healthy to keep all this bottled up inside, but a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do (especially if she doesn't want her feelings hurt.

jeez.

meet me in montauk

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one of my all time favorite movies and will always be....I think what I love most about the movie (besides the acting, the sets, and the directing) is the overall plot. that basically no matter what happens you will end up with the person you were meant to be with. I've always been a hopeless romantic and a firm believer in soul mates, so this movie was made for me. I don't consider this movie as a "romantic film". I still can't find a word to describe it...I guess if there was another word for dream...dream-like. idk.....it's so different from most movies and it doesn't have that obvious "boy and girl meet then stay together forever." I remember the first time I watched it (with my ex-bf-still-good-friend) I was sooo confused and kept asking a bunch of questions, but instead of explaining to me what was going on and why, he kept saying "Just watch it" which was really frustrating, because I'm the kind of person who hates not knowing what is going on, especially in a movie. But I'm glad he did that, because it made the ending that much better.....I was so happy! it reminded me of when I watched Stranger Than Fiction for the first time and cried at the end because I was so happy (so sad I know).

I love the thought that there is someone out there that I'm meant to be with and possibly spend the rest of my life with......I'm always wondering who that person is...have I met him already, if not how much longer til I do? how will I know it's him? That's the hard part about this whole "soul mate" business...it's so vague...I like to think that if it were a painting it would be a really blurry Impression painting, you know there's an image in the painting somewhere, but it's so fuzzy you can't make out anything...just colors. Love is like that too....I've loved ppl, but I've only been IN love once.....I love and miss that feeling..it was a natural high...that probably sounds weird, but that's ok.

brrrrr.....

sooo I've been living here in the Great Plains my whole life. I'm pretty used to the normal midwest seasons and their temperatures: spring=fair & warm, summer= past humid and hot, fall= fair and cool, winter= always freezing. I feel like I've adapted pretty well to these conditions. With that in mind one would think that while attending college in mid-Missouri, I would be able to handle this weather ok. NOT!! I don't know what it is, but I CANNOT function in these cold temperatures. The actual temperature this morning (9ish?) was in the high teens, low 20's but it really felt like single digit #'s. Maybe this is hard for me, because I'm walking around outside, whereas back at home I was inside during school. But this is my 3rd year so I really should be used to it...nope. All I do is complain complain. This weather is not helpful to my academics.....it makes going to class really hard!! oh well....I knew I shouldn't have gotten too excited when it hit the upper 50's just a few weeks ago. (I should've known it was a fluke...it's Feburary, in Missouri!!! That's not normal at all.